So, have you ever been depressed about someone's death? Sure you have, you're human. Or, if say no, I suppose it's because you're trying to look edgy and cool. Whatever.

I was reminded of my mother's death (5 years ago) by a dress that I found of hers, and I seem to have renewed my insomnia through it.

Has there been a death in your life that caused depression in you? Share your experience?

My mother was probably the only parental figure I could relate to, despite her being sick all of the time. I suppose if I had a choice between my mother and father, I'd most likely pick my mother. She was always good for conversation and had similar interests as me.

Prior to last year, I would have said no. My mother told me some information about my father that skewed my perspective on a lot of things and I've found myself always thinking about him now. And as I become older, I become more aware of all the things I've never had the chance to experience with him.
It's hard..

That's not exactly fair. Some people like me have large families consisting of all age groups, which means that in my case, I don't know or care about most of them(didn't mean that in a mean way..). In my whole life, I have only had person close to me die and that was my grandfather a few years ago. A lot of my family is getting up there in age though, so it could happen again.

I wouldn't know where to start, but I'll try:

Yesterday, my aunt's ex-husband (and father of my youngest cousin) killed himself. Still hasn't sunk in yet.

I got really depressed when Rowland S Howard died because his death reminded me of a guy who I was in a serious relationship with when I was in Australia (not the Australian I met in SF). His health was in increasingly rough shape, and he was having a lot of extreme mood swings and memory problems that made him hard to live with, even though I really cared for him. He had been calling a lot since I've been back in the US. Then I found out he was going into the hospital for an undetermined length of time (at least a week). The final communication was a voicemail he left, calling from the hospital, and it ended, "And remember from beyond the grave."

My phone company erased that voicemail by accident, and I've been too scared to email a friend and ask how he is. The voicemail was left a few weeks ago.

A friend of mine in Maine was killed in a fucked up way. His neighbor called 911 because he was drunk and threatening to shoot himself. Because he was wielding a firearm, the 911 dispatcher sent only police, and they handled the situation by "use of force". By surrounding him and aiming their guns at him, they chased him into the top floor of his house. They wanted to arrest him for threatening to attempt suicide, and urged him to surrender to this arrest, knowing full well that he had a cop phobia. When he didn't come out of his house, they threw tear gas cans through the windows - 27 cans (I saw the mess a day or so later), and when that didn't work, they just started firing their guns at the house. Finally, a bullet hit him in the chest and he bled to death. The cops confirmed to the coroner that it was a "suicide", but bullet holes in the house, and the type of bullet that killed him indicated otherwise. Plus, there were detailed reports from neighbors who watched in horror, unable to interfere with the local law enforcement. I still have a bit of a cop phobia because of this, even though I know that, just like in any profession, there are all kinds of people . . .

One of the kids I used to play with in the neighborhood when I was growing up killed himself when he was an adult, but I don't know any of the details. I wasn't all that surprised - his parents were really cruel to him and so were the other kids.

A friend from my early adult life also killed himself. He was more my bf's friend than my friend. That was more a case of mourning for the mourners.

A guy I was friends with for all the years I lived on the island died an accidental (yet preventable) type of death a year or two after I moved away. He was once a really happy, friendly guy, the type to spread good cheer. And my (now ex) fiance and I planned to get married on his land. I knew he had been dealing with some personal problems and was doing different things to try and overcome his situation, but to no avail.

When I had a miscarriage this past year, I unexpectedly found myself mourning it. It was really personal . . . hard to describe.

During the first year that I lived in San Antonio, an older guy who had spent decades running the city's main punk venue (where a lot of now-well-known bands got their start because he gave them a chance to play) was shot and killed in a completely random armed robbery. A few employees were shot too. One of them also died. The whole music scene went into mourning for years. Seems to be finally bouncing back now, but that guy was such a character who had done so much for people in his own way . . . It was shocking.

Both of my mom's parents died when I was in high school, as did most of my family of that generation. I sort of grew up visiting them in nursing homes, basically watching them dying. And then they all died around the time I left home.

And there's been another recent suicide that I haven't even started thinking about yet because I know it'll hit me hard, and I've been through too much lately to be able to handle it.

I bet I'm leaving at least one person out. Anyway, yeah, of course all these deaths have been depressing, to say the least!

Most importantly, I sincerely hope that there won't be any more in the near future.

Wow, Ivory. It's hard to believe that all that could happen in 30 years. One semi-random question: You seem to know people from all over - why do you travel so much? You've been in Australia and all over the States; is there a reason?

Besides a couple great-grandparents dying (whose deaths were highly predictable), there's not been any other immediate family who've died. Some aunts and uncles who I never met died, but since I didn't know them, it didn't hurt me as much as it would have - I of course felt sadness though and acknowledged their deaths when my dad told me that they died.

A few surprising deaths occurred in the past few years: My driving instructor died of cancer, a girl I went to school with died of leukemia (I think it was leukemia), and a very nice lady who lived near me died at a fairly young age from lung cancer.

All three deaths weren't family, but they still managed to shock me.

I've had many deaths around me in my life and some caused depression and I saw a therapist and though he promised not to tell my mom he did with some of what I said and afterward I refused to go to anyone. I trusted someone for once and then i got betrayed, so much for that idea.

In 1st grade my stepfather and brother got in a car accident on the way back from his birthday party, I was in the other car with my sister and mom. The car flipped over 3 or 4 times and he flew out the car. My brother was wearing a seat belt and survived with minor injuries but my stepfather was pronounced dead when the medics got there. I was the first to see his body in the grass while everyone else was trying to get my brother out.

In 2nd grade my two friends and I were called the three musketeers because we were friends and our parents(or in my case grandmother) were teachers there. We were close friends and ran around. One of my friends mom was a computer teacher, she took a vacation to the beach and jumped off her hotel balcony say she lover her son. He moved away shortly after ad I havent seen him since.

In 6th grade my best friend committed suicide. I was soo stupid all the signs were there. He had troubles at home, he was cutting himself, everything. I even remember in math the teacher went out to do something and he showed the entire class his wrists! The entire class!! I remember I came to school and everyone was like eddie killed himself he did he did. I didn't believe them until i got to the classroom and my teacher was crying. It did not hit me until 5 child therapists and the principal came in and started talking to us. I don't remember much of what they said the only thing is when one person said something like "suicide is selfish" that's when I had a complete brake down. I was mad, sad, pissed, everything. I wasn't mad at him but me, why did not I do anything why did not I do something. I did not go to school for two weeks and I started having issues with people.

In 8th grade my neighborhood friend hanged himself. This time I hadn't seen any signs I didn't know what to think and i still don't its all kind of numb

In 9th grade my boyfriend's best friend killed himself. I was hanging in his room while he was playing bass guitar and his he rang. He talked a bit started freaking out and I didn't know what to do because I remember all I wanted myself was for someone to hold me I didn't really think he wanted that but I didn't no what else to do so I just hugged him. I hugged him really tight and i didn't let go. I think we sat there for at least 30minutes and he just sobbed. He kept saying I'm sorry and why didn't he tell him and all this. I started crying. I felt horrible for him I couldn't do anything for him. I didn't know his friend very well but he seemed an alright guy but I know he had a lot of mental problems and was always high wherever he went.

I think about everyone of these people every day because i feel if I don't I'll forget and everyone will forget and if no one remembers them then they will be forgotten and Icant let that happen. I know there are other people that were closer to these people such as their parents and everything but I just don't feel right.

Well, the answer is pretty mundane. To give a good explanation would require me to give out more personal info than I'm comfortable giving out publicly online. Here's what I can say:

I grew up traveling a lot because my family is spread out all over the country. So it got into my blood at an early age, so to speak.

I met people from all over through college. After college, I moved to a tourist town (in which my family goes way back) with a lot of seasonal workers. So I met more people from all over the place. I developed the hobby of taking long road trips to visit friends.

After living in the tourist town for 5 years, I moved to Texas with a friend who was from there. I wanted to live in a big city in a warm climate with plenty of year-round jobs. But after 3 years there, I decided that it wasn't a good fit for my musical aspirations, so I decided to try another US city - San Francisco because I have family history there (even after we moved away, we still visited family there, and I always wanted to live there).

As a young adult, I dreamed of becoming an ex-pat and chose Australia as my destination country after much research. Not long after I moved to SF, I met someone from Australia who I really hit it off with. He told me a lot about the place and introduced me to his friends there via the Internet. I had roamed all over the US and still wanted to relocate to a different country. When cheap plane tickets to Australia became available, I got myself one and arranged to stay with my friend's friends.

After this month-long visit, I decided I really did want to move there. And I finally felt confident enough to go ahead and go for it. So I did everything necessary to prepare in advance for switching countries, and did. But a lot went wrong. And after 6 months there, I had to return to the US.

Now, the future is uncertain. I gave up a lot (car, pets, etc) to move to Australia. Now, living there seems like a far-fetched dream, although what happened was mostly bad luck. I just crave stability. But I'll have to be "in transition" until I find a place to settle down, and to do that, I'll have to do more traveling . . .


Oh, and I'll go ahead and interview myself in order to answer further questions:

Why did you go to New Zealand? I had to leave Australia once every 3 months in order to renew my visa, and it was the cheapest country to go to.

And Europe? Took a family vacation to Denmark, Germany, Belgium, and the UK when I was 13. When I was 17 and in my first year of college, a friend found us cheap plane tickets to London and knew of a free place to stay there. So we went.

And Canada? Recently, I seized on an opportunity to, uh, rescue my Australian friend in SF from a bad situation. His brother and I worked together to help him out. The brother lives in Canada (temporarily, for work). I basically organized the trip to Canada, we hung out there for a few weeks resting up, and after I left (long bus ride to visit family for the holidays), and my friend's brother set things up for my friend to get back to Australia and stay with his family there.

You claim to be an introverted recluse, and yet your life has been quite eventful. How can we possibly believe you? I don't know. I don't really know why my life has been so eventful. If you met someone who had known me for a long time, maybe they could give you a more insightful and convincing answer.

Sorry, Quasar. I was trying to make a joke about people who try to look cool. It was really meant as a joke, and I'm sorry if it offended you.

Anyways, I expected we'd have a few people who wanted to share their experiences. But I didn't know this many. That's a lot of death for you guys. Mind you, I only shared my mother's, and there are plenty of other ones I'd like to, once I get the feeling for them again.

Sorry for quoting this again, but it reminded me of something relevant to the general theme of the board.

My life has been pretty weird, and fucked up. And as time goes on, it just gets stranger. So the older I get, the more likely people are to question my honesty when I open up to them.

I'm not accusing Chair of doubting me. I'm just saying that, yeah, a lot of the stuff that's happened in my life is hard to believe. And I seem to keep racking up these "hard to believe" stories as I keep living. It sucks. Far more than what I've posted about here has happened in the past 30 years. And I'm talking about things that are clearly within the realm of reality. I haven't been "abducted by aliens" or "spoken to by angels" or anything out-there like that. It's just a lot of normal stuff, but the combination of it all (I think) is what makes it hard for people to believe.

I've actually been selective about what I talk about here, and opened up relatively slowly.

I'm naturally in a bind when it comes to making new friends and such. If I don't open up and talk about my life as openly as other people talk about their lives, people get bored or suspicious of what I may be "hiding". My natural inclination is to be pretty open, but when I go to the effort of opening up to people about things that are (often times) hard to talk about, they often react like they want proof that I'm not lying. And how can I prove that? It's just another attack that's best to retreat from. I don't want to be defending myself against accusations that really traumatic events in my past might be "made-up stories". I'm too worn out from all the shit that's happened to me to have the energy to defend my honesty, my motives, etc. I'd much rather live in solitude.

Normally, I am introverted, but I like having friends. I also kind of wish all this fucked up shit hadn't happened to me (however, I also appreciate the fact that it's made me stronger). It would make it a lot easier to relate to other people, and to gain their trust and friendship.

Oh, no, I wasn't offended.

I havn't experienced death yet, or at least at an age that I can comprehend the feeling. All four of my grandparents are getting older and I do get a lot of anxiety on the matter of death. As someone who doesn't talk to his family and skips out on family reunions I don't know if I should be doing anything for them while they're still alive.

I've accepted death as an inevitable part of living. That was a hard realization for me, but a necessary one. I've had a number of close relatives die.

The only death that made me really sad was when my uncle died. I was 7 years old, and we were pretty close. He was the only person I was able to relate with until then. After he died, I lost touch with reality for a bit. Mood swings, depression, it was all blah.

I find it easier to move on then to dwell.

no one close to me have never died so no, but the tought of losing someone close to me is frightening.
if i feel like i do now how would i feel like when someone close to me dies

Same for me, Syrus. I haven't had anyone close to my die yet.
Sometimes, I wish some people would die just so I don't have the pain of seeing how they are doing. I feel really bad though, because my step grandfather died and he kept wanting to see me but he lived in Arizona so I couldn't... But he kept trying, and when he was kicked out of his home and into a retirement home, he kept saying he wanted to go home.. And my dad kept saying we'd visit, but we never did.. It's so sad..

That's a very sad story

I has happaned to me and I didn't fall into depression (cool).
I get more depressed by the fact I want to be depressed but can't than for the person itself. I had a friend from another country who recently killed herself, that made me a bit sad but overall I took it normally. Everyone dies, so everyone should live with the thought they will die. Just like in Hakagure, if you think about death constantly and accept it into your mind, it will make even your life better.

I've never had anyone close to me die before.

My grandfather from my father's side died when I was in first grade. I remember writing it in my daily journal for a class activity. My teacher read it and gave his condolences, but I was excited. I had never been to a funeral before and I was excited to go. Needless to say, the funeral wasn't as fun as I had imagined. During the middle of it, I was allowed to go play in the kids room with my sister and cousin. It was a horrible way to react to a death in the family, but I was really young and didn't fully understand what death meant.

I wasn't close to him, but I think about him from time to time and wonder.

My grandpa from my mom's side is currently 92. I love him to pieces and he raised me since I was a little baby. He's still a very active man, but I'm so scared to lose him. He's practically deaf now, but just seeing him smile every time I walk into the room just makes me believe everything's going to be alright.

I went to a funeral for a family member I didn't even know, and I accidentally laughed during it. I didn't know what got to me, I just HAD to laugh. Something was funny to me. Everyone looked at me and my dad was whispering something to them and they were just nodding and said "Oh.. Oh no, it's okay, I understand." And then they were all nice to me again. I still wonder what he whispered.

"Beware, she's possessed by a demon, if you aren't nice to her she'll consume your soul and rape your corpse!"

It's what I'd have said.

the only person's death that ive experienced in my life time was my great grandmother's. even if you think I'm trying to look edgy and cool, I wasn't the least bit upset. I was more upset when my dog got hit by a car. though I'm not saying I don't miss her.

Nobody in my family and none of my 'friends' that i know have died in my lifetime

l know of people my age who died recently. One girl was in a train accident and another guy drowned at a local creek. lt's shocking to know they have passed at such a young age. Makes me feel stupid for wanting to give up my life freely.

I've experienced the death of: both of my grandfathers, one of my grandmothers, great-grandparents, my best friend's stepfather, various family friends, my cat, aunts, uncles, and I remember hearing about people from back in high school who were killed. When my cat died, it really hit me hard. He was such a close friend of mine, and I hung out with him everyday. But death is simply another part of life. I have become more accepting of it over the years.

I've read that Buddhists say that we should direct our mourning to birth instead of death, because birth means that a new human life has been brought into the world to suffer whereas death is, hopefully, the end of that suffering.

It's easier to bear somebody's death if he/she is far away. My loved and closest relative, grandma, died of bowel cancer when I was in university in another city and I felt not much pain this evening. I just took some gintonic and food and mentioned (not sure it's right word) her. However, bidding farewell with dying grandfather (with whom I almost was not close) while carrying his hand was harder.

But deaths that really tore my heart apart was deaths of my tomcats. Last one died of kidney stone illness and his kidneys was almost totally destroyed when I take him to survey. I had to eutanasize him and that was very painful to me. I still feel slightly guilt of this because I probably should take more attention to his food ration and doctor's recommendations, but what happened is happened. Maybe I felt that sad because these furry creatures are only beings I really loved in my life, I don't know.