My school is starting in a week and I have found yet a new level blueness. I don't know if I really am a depressed person, but whatever it is, I don't want to feel that way. Other kids are hanging out and drinking and driving their scooters while I sit at home. I like being alone, not for too long, but still getting a few hours of "own time" every day makes me happy. I hate going out on my free time with my friends when they ask me.

The thing is, even though I don't mind being alone all the time, spending most of my day in front of computer, it's incredibly shameful and embrassing. I try to hide it as best as i can.

Ahh I don't know what am I trying to say. Just had to write somewhere. I'm sorry. i'm lifeless

IT's fine, that's what this site is used for after all. Hugs!

If you feel a bit shameful, maybe if you can, take a walk on occasion or something similar. You'll still be alone, but you won't be in front of a computer all the time?

When I feel that way I usually read, doodle, or sleep.

That's what I've been doing too, but as it's what makes me happy, then I'll just forget about what people think, I do it for myself.

I have to block out the thoughts of school and everything else just to enjoy myself.

Yes, a real lot.

What i mean is (or what i think to mean) is that, dammit, there are so many people in history, men that seems to have been formed out of iron, that even when they are obviously human, they seem to be from a superior species (like Rafael Barret, or Buddha, or others), Barret, for example, that was a man who didn't fuck around, he had a clear idea of everything, and even when in his articles he was incredibly pessimistic, he still fought, he still carried on, in a time and place where that might mean your death, and even when you catch a glimpse of why he kept on struggling, sometimes i believe that such thing is something that you have in your nature, you know?, basically this quote: "It is not reason, more or less furnished, but will that makes the world march", he just had the nature of a Hero. But i know that such thing "he was just born with that nature" is bullshit, mainly because he was not born with it, but also because i believe that a person (also depending on the person) defines itself, that it can choose (not in a simple or quick way) to create, or alterate, his nature. Basically like this other quote:



He just knew what was what, he could see things that were terrible, and things that were beautiful without any alteration from society or his desire to keep himself sane or happy. It makes me feel like an stupid idiot, i am a white middle class young guy with everything in my life when so many people are dying of hunger, if i have a soul (i don't really believe in the concept) it would be painted with blood and darkness, i'm just too fucked up, i just saw so many fucked up things. But that man, he saw much worse stuff, not only did he not let himself into a bed, or wanted to cry, or run away, he made incredible articles and he opposed that which he saw as evil until the day of his death. I don't lack an arm, or a leg, or actually have some sort of neurological problem, i have the possibility of taking my life to where i want it to be, but i just can't, my soul just can't, i'm just too stupid and coward to do that. He was a hero, and he ascended over all the corruption and horror in his world. And i can't even truly resolve the stupid problems of my life.

I'm just too useless.

i just don't understand the embarrassment and shame that comes from needing downtime since i need so much o it myself. so what if you just want to stay inside and watch some videos? are your friends giving you shit cause you don't feel like doing whatever it is they are doing? do you fear being an outcast if you just live your life the way you want?

I don't care. The common conception of the good life is not my own.

My only real aspiration is to seek Truth. How can I find that if I allow myself to be distracted by the petty concerns of normalcy?

You're an awesome person.

That is an awesome reply.

You're all epicly awesome people.

great comment.. I agree


hey Hitoride never try not to follow what people called being normal or fitting in society, the ONLY thing that you should follow is your heart, DO what you want to, THINK what you want to... and you will find the path for true happiness.


and cheer up! you are not the only one who enjoys that life style (at least I do..) and lots of people here too.. you just need to find the right people to make friend with, people who think like you and understand you

I think, it's important to draw the line between "what you're supposed to do" and "what is correlating with your nature".

There was also a time for me, when I was troubled with thoughts about what I maybe should do. I tried to live up to this and ended up frustrated, since I was simply not able to do so. The more I tried to surround myself with people, or get surrounded by them, the more frustrated I became and in the end simply accepted the fact that the nature of people differs.

From my point of view, you shouldn't feel ashamed for living up to your nature and nobody has the right to tell you, your feelings about something are wrong.

Agreeing with Jackal's opinion regarding the matter, I think what would be considered a "good life" can greatly differ from person to person and it's of importance to know yourself and sort out what this would mean to you. If this includes that you need to step back from the scene for a while, or even create your own, then this is perfectly fine, in my opinion.

@ dream: While I admire, that you set your ideals on such a high level and didn't read enough Barret to construct an elaborate opinion, I think, you maybe shouldn't call yourself useless.
I don't think every human is the same, but in end, everyone is human. So based on this assumption, I'd say, as long as there isn't some kind of chemical imbalance or stuff alike, everyone that is facing harsh circumstances procrastinates or wants to run away at some point in their lifes and what we know about the past, is nothing more than a collection of brief snapshots.

But this is just my opinion and I might be terribly wrong, no offense.

you are not "supposed to" drink and drive. and in case that's not what you meant, you still shouldn't feel bad about not drinking. i feel much better about staying home and reading or watching movies than going out to drink.... but these aren't the only options. maybe it's time to try making some new friends (which can be quite difficult). i don't have a lot of suggestions there. all i can say is that if you hate your friends, you are not alone.

i've been a bit --- well, i wouldn't say depressed but --- dissatisfied with even the one part of my life that is as it 'should be': since joining the forum i got a job. i don't dislike it, but there are so many things i want to see and do instead of the 9 to 5 (or more like 8 to 6) routine. if i leave now, it'll be difficult to get hired again... i just don't like feeling trapped, i guess. i'd rather travel. not an "epic adventure," exactly, and i certainly don't want anyone to join me. living in a few places around the world for a few months each would be nice, though. perhaps then i'd feel content to stay in one place for more than a couple years, because i'd know what's out there.... yeeesh, it's difficult to stay on topic if i'm writing more than 2 sentences, but after all that explanation it makes sense now to reply to a couple other threads here:

* goals for the year:
making the best of the current situation without forgetting the above goals
language learning was mentioned a lot and sounds like a good idea. korean, maybe? should be a language 1) fundamentally different from english. 2) with a solid group of native speakers, but not among the top 3 or 4 spoken languages (suggestions welcome, although should probably be made in the appropriate thread)

* what would you do if you saw a hikiculturalite/various meetup threads
i like to meet people while traveling in general... feel like such a tourist otherwise. i don't give a damn about "the sights." rather, it's about experiencing different ways of life, outlooks, foods, daily rhythms, etc. also, i agree with the wanting to know the person. wouldn't want to meet someone and then just be wanting to leave the whole time, which, as discussed above, happens.

I share these sorts of thoughts one-hundred percent, especially the idea that "I'm a wealthy white female who's had the world handed to her; what right do I have to be sad when other people are going through so much worse and still managing not to be an emo fuck like myself?". The self-hatred is so all-consuming, the guilt is even worse. I'm so fucking lazy, I mean, Christ, I've been laying here procrastinating on getting out of bed for like two hours now, I just feel so overwhelmed by everything and I can't sleep, I just have to lay there and try to summon enough energy to pretend I'm fine...

Uh...yeah. I do get depressed over not living up to my own standards, though society's standards don't make me that depressed. The only thing that depresses me about societal standards is that because I don't give two shits about them, it'll be harder for me to not be alone in the future, because everyone loves a round peg in a round hole or some shit like that. Fuck.

Then again, what doesn't make me depressed? -__-

Absolutely, I'm depressed most part of the time, I can't take it anymore, I hate my relatives (because i only consider family my mom and dogs), they have money and are such ignorant bastards, who think the ones who have money are the only importants, they are always speaking bad about me, because I don't work and they don't believe I'm sick (Bipolar II, Fibromialgia, Migraines, IBS, Hiatus) I can't even wake up in the morning because of the pain, I can't concentrate, but I try to be the best daughter I can, helping my also sick mom to house activities, payments, etcetera. But they are always speaking bad things about me, because I'm an Architect and I have almost 2 years without work, at first I was mood stable and looking for a job, but in this shitty country (because of the government and stupid sheep people) there are no works, then after almost a year I stopped the search, because i was so frustrated and started to feel worst physically and mentally.
So I'm a poor Architect and they enjoy soo much making fun about me to my mom, and she suffers a lot. She has arthritis and glaucoma, she always was a really committed worker, but the same psychopathic family betrayed her long time ago, and she was left with nothing. The thing that makes me depressed the most is not the stupid things said by my fucked psychopat relatives, but the way my mom feels about it, she wanted me to be successful, that's why with lot of sacrifice she gave me my career, she imagined us with a nice home and car (yeah i don't even have a cheap car), travelling, going to good doctors to take care of our illnesses. But we are stuck in poverty as always, and some of those psychos even have a political career and money of course, if you could see them, ignorant, really ignorant people with money, i don't think they are happy also but my mom think they are (because of the money of course). So in the end, what makes me being depressed the most is how my mom used to think i was going to be successful and happy, and I'm just sleeping almost all day, in pain. She wanted me to be someone else and i just disappointed her.

Hmm. I don't get depressed over this. It is really not an issue and I don't give a shit about how people expect me to live.

I only get depressed if there is something I want that is impossible to obtain for a multitude of reasons.

Years ago I used to.
But then I thought about people who use deceit, games, and other malevolence to get ahead in life.
And the people I know personally who put on this stoic happy face but complain just as much as me or more about their problems.

I figured since I am going to have to deal with crap no matter what I do it is much better to spend time doing what I enjoy than worrying about trying to do what others think i should.
Especially when I am harming nobody.

I used to get depressed over "not living like I'm supposed to," or rather, how the majority of people seemed to be living, doing all the normal activities that I should be doing; developing as they should; experiencing what they should.

But what really depressed me for as long as I can remember and still does to this day is that I'm not living how my mind tells me I should be living. I wanted to travel and explore and learn, not go to school. It was a longing for some kind of freedom. From what, I was not entirely sure. It troubled me greatly when I was younger, and still does trouble me, but I forget about it periodically. It comes back to me with regularity to depress me (or maybe it's because when I'm depressed, that is when I am mentally vulnerable. It's hard to tell.)

I went through the exact same when I went to highschool. One thing I can advice is not to lock yourself away completly from your friends by always refusing their invitations. I did it over and over again, and soon after we moved on to different colleges, we drifted apart. They no longer chase for my friendship and who can blame them? I miss having RL people of my age who cared about me, I was a real bitch for not attending to their parties/social gatherings.