This is just a little fragment of something i was writing (i know some of the things it says are downright stupid, like the prices or the inverosimility of the situation, also i would be extremely thankful if you could tell me if i commited ortoghraphical or gramatical mistakes, i sure did many, i just translated this from spanish, i first wrote it in that way.), hope it isn't too long:

"When Jack was a kid, he loved to burn things, he secretly used to take things from his dad’s office and burned them in the afternoon in a fireplace he and i improvised on Sundays alongside one of the roads outside the city, you could look all the horizon, ther was nothing, only me and rant and a fireplace for vandalism, he called it: “The Altar”. Pens plated in gold, with a sea-type fragance ink that was worth 3000 dollars. One of those little budhist statues bathed in a shiny and fake gold, much like his father, 700 dollars. An empty picture frame with a little stick-it paper in which you could read a tiny blue ink letter: “For a moment of glory”, the frame was worth 2000 dollars.

Jack’s school was 500 a month.

We went –just a manner of speech, what i did was just watch, i never dared to burn anything out of fear of getting caught, or of feeling guilty for destorying something that cost so much effort, or of i don’t know-. I only stood and watched. Jack didn’t say anything, but i could notice he wasn’t happy about it, he had that expression that people give you when you should do something but you don’t, but in jack’s case, that expresion was the opposite, there was nothing i was supposed to do and jack was pissed off because i always did that; Nothing.

For many people Sunday is for going to church, this is going to church for jack, his church.

“Acording to an economist -jack commented while breathing the smoke producing from the ink of an office pen- the price of things has little or nothing to do with what they really are”

You can use a pencil or a 3000 dollars worth pen, you still write the same doctor or lawyer crap.

“Since always i had been pissed off by the idiocy of people, of everything. Everyone kills and bores themselves to have a nice watch or a rolex, so much effort and time, and you can so easily burn it here, and it’s not even a bit useful for getting high.”

Jack said that if it weren’t so imposibly hard, he would have burned down houses. Mansions, humble houses, middle class houses, he didn’t care, to him there was no difference, rich people were way to comfortable and middle class hid in itself, in it’s routine.

“Anything you create can be destroyed, dismembered, broken or burned, it ends in the same world of shit, but if you learn something, know something, or not even that, dammit”

Jack exclaimed while throwing the empty frame, the stick-it with the blue ink melting in the insignificant way that it was wrotten and existed.

“If you only have the desire, the spirit, the will to learn, really learn, you’re above the crap of the world and the crap of history, then all that you’ll earn will be engraved in your spirit, an you will only lose it.”

Jack said, looking me in the eyes with two fingers at his temple.

“When they blow-off your head, and when that happens you’ll be way too fucked up to give a shit.”

Jack was never going to have a home or settle down, he knew how easy it was for everything to break apart, he was going to develop that which will never break for him.

The afternoon went quietly to the unreachable horizon while i only stood and watched how jack purged all these atoms of the arrogancy and vanity of his father, of everything that ever touched them, and freed them, so that they’ll be something again, in a certain way, you could say that’s what jack always did, burning things, purging people.

I never dared to ask jack if all the crap he brought to burn those Sundays was only from his father."

If you read it all until here then you're a good person , also i wanted to ask you some questions about the thing:

¿do you think the swearing is exagerate (it doesn't make sense, does not fit well in the writing, it's ridiculous, over the top, stupid, etc.)?.
Another thing i dislike is that i don't feel it too original, many writers have wrote the "consumerism sucks and you must search enlightement and liberation from swedish furniture and clever arts" thing, also i don't feel the character of jack way too original (reminds me of tyler durden or rant, actually while i was writing it i wrote "Rant" instead of "Jack") and it reminds a bit of Chuck Palahniuk's work (not that his work is bad, it is excellent, but i think it is a little bit too similar in style), what do you think.?
¿did you think i was too descriptive (i focused only on describing things that were happening and wasted potential, etc.)?
¿did you like it?

thanks in advance if you could stand all my annoying questions until this point

Hmm, didn't notice this thread before. I read your fragment and it seems interesting, but there are grammatical errors, as you know. For example, if I were to edit the first paragraph:


As far as the swearing goes, it did not seem out of place to me. It's just how I would expect that sort of character to speak.

I think you should actually add more description of the scene. Describe the landscape, and what this "Alter" looks like.

Sorry I can't give you a better critique than this, but I don't know anything about writing.

Good luck.

Thanks for commenting Jackal!. Yeah, there are quite a lot of grammatical errors and i should have added more descriptions of both the scene and the method and ways of jack for taking his dad's stuff from his office, and don't worry if you think you don't know much about writing, any gentle criticism is good criticism! .

That said i must say i think it is quite bad, it may be interesting but i think i wrote it quite poorly, a bit like a Palahniuk fanboy (i'm nowhere near the point of being a fanboy of Palahniuk but i think this fragment tries to imitate him a bit too much) There are a lot of things i wasn't thinking about while i was writing this, for a moment i was considering asking it to be deleted but i decided agaisnt it, if i'm afraid of a little criticism i don't think i will get very far on my writing carrer now would i? .

But again, thanks for the advise Jackal, i'll keep it in mind .