Yeah, I'm reclusive. I stay in my house all day sometimes, if I don't have school. Sometimes, I don't go to school, because I get sick very easily. I like to think of my low immune system as a blessing sometimes, but that must not be how a normal person might think. It must be crazy, actually, when compared to how well someone else thinks. Sometimes, when I'm sick, I like the fact that I don't have to go to school. I don't have to deal with the people there. I don't like dealing with L.W., because she acts nice, but she's really not behind people's backs. It's the same with K.R., and it's expected because she hangs around with L.W. They're always so eager to tell each other how good of friends they are, but they really aren't. As someone looking from the outside in sometimes, I found that sometimes (not all the time), friendships between women are fickle, and can be gone at the snap of a person's fingers. But not all the people are so bad. I wouldn't mind being around them, if it wasn't for school, and the bad people there. The bad people, the ones who talk behind your back, and the ones that say it right to your face are one in the same, but I prefer the ones that are upfront about it. They, at least have some courage. But it's hard to find people with courage in a backstabbing town like mine. One that relies on family, and who's related to family, and who's on the list, and who isn't. It relies on saying "Fuck the ones who aren't on the list, but let's act nice about it, so we can lie to ourselves about how kind we actually are."

I like to stay away from all of that. I'm a nice person. I've met many people. I'm not afraid of being around people, I don't think. I'm just afraid of the ones who aren't pleasant to be around. I think they should be the ones being reclusive. They should really feel how it 'feels'. But, even if it's proven how rotten to the core they are, they still get away with it. Why, you ask? It's because of family. Family and how long you've lived here is the driving reason behind it.

Even though my attendance in school is quite serious, I keep my grades up higher than any of the other people in my classes. The driving reason is because I try damn hard to keep it up there. But, simply because M.H.'s family has lived here longer than you, you won't get valedictorian. Sorry, but that's just how it goes. After all, you're not on the list, are you? No, we can't even have you elected to a position on the Graduation Committee. It's not your skin color, really. It's just family. You're not on the list.

I keep saying 'Not on the list', because it refers to almost every movie I've seen where someone goes to a high class party, and they're stopped by the doorman. He asks their last name, and the character willingly gives it to them, but is turned down by the doorman, simply because his name isn't on the list. The reaction to the character vary, but the feeling it leaves is very cold. I feel shut out by it, like I'm unwanted, and I probably am.

There are a couple of things that don't care about who I am, or what list I am on. Those, can best be defined as entertainment, and are outlets for myself.

Video games, books, movies, and animals are the few things that do not care. Video games supply entertainment. Books provide an interesting world to explore. Movies offer too many things to name. And animals simply don't care. I like them all, but I don't think of them as a source of human experiences. I've had my taste of them for now, and nothing pleasant has come from it. Yet, with these outlets, I can be happy.

Some may think of this as running away. I don't think it is. It's waiting out the storm. It's hiding from the serial killer in a horror film. It's helping yourself out, when others don't seem to really care.

Yeah, I'm reclusive. But at least I'm happy with life, because some human interaction doesn't fill the needs I have.