I hate it.

Yesterday I did some shopping at the local butcher's and on the way home I got approached by an old woman in our neighborhood I haven't seen for ages. She asked about my mother who has been in rehab for almost 2 weeks now and when she would come back (early September maybe) and stuff. And if I'm not afraid of being alone for such a long time. Then she started to talk about my future. Yikes! Well, I told her then about the correspondence school (well, what else could I say?) ... and she asked when I'll be finished... I just said... "Next year..." knowing that I'll never finish that school next year. Sigh! I hate telling lies. And now I'm just thinking about her all the time and I'm afraid I'll never forget this. In future, I'll just avoid her by using another street...

I'm still thinking about all the things I've done or said years ago. I tried not to care about them but still I can't. I want to forget them all. I want to learn not to care about them but I don't know how...

I know I have made mistakes, I remember my mistakes well. Sometimes even I'll say something that doesn't sound right and I'll repeat it in my head for hours until it sounds like I wasn't even there anymore.

Well Mikan, there was a group exercise we once did. Everyone would be around a set of squares like a large chess board. Everyone would take turns starting taking steps on the chess board one at a time to find a hidden path. Whenever someone stepped on a wrong block the adult would go 'beep' and we'd have to retrace our steps exactly. The group leader eventually explained that going on the wrong board was not a bad thing, because eventually it narrowed down all the options of the right path. I like to think of life like that. It was a mistake, and instead of focusing on 'god I hate doing that' focus on 'well, I'll learn not to do that anymore' otherwise you'll just make the same mistake and hate yourself more.

/has been down that road

All of the mistakes I have made go round and round in my head all the time.

If I had been asked about my future I would simply reply "none of your business". Why should I even dignify a normally moralizing question like that with an answer when the one asking it most likely wouldn't be able to understand my point of view ever. In fact, less shallow people won't even ask such a question so just the fact the question is being asked means the one asking is an idiot.

Mistakes are experience and practice. Mistakes make people stronger.

I have that same thing and I've noticed that I only get it when I'm having to deal with other people. If I avoid people then I don't have that anxiety. I was walking my dog this morning and some dude who probably has a crush on me ran up to me wondering why I never call or answer my phone (I changed my phone number) He hugged me and I obliged out of courtesy even though I really don't like being touched. He asked me "whats up" and I said "nothing" and "goodbye" and just walked away. Even after that short bit of social interaction I could feel the anxiety bubbling up but I learned to keep it down out of sheer willpower.

Sometimes mistakes do haunt me for quite a long time, especially the embarrassing ones (or the ones i suspect of being embarrassing at least). I even remember some from years ago in absolute detail X.x
It's easier to get them out of your mind at least temporarily if you just try accepting them and forgive yourself though, but yet that can be hard to impossible xD

I have the exact same problem, Mikan, and I've only been able to overcome it partially, so I don't have any solutions to offer. I've noticed that you're a very gentle and compassionate person to others here at Hikiculture, but it sounds like you're afraid of being compassionate and gentle towards yourself. After all, the mistake you made with the elderly woman was hardly a mistake at all. It sounds like you were nervous and made up an answer out of nervousness. You don't owe her anything. And you're allowed to be anxious. It doesn't make you a freak. It doesn't mean that you have to be ashamed about being anxious.

me too

I did that too, but I haven't in months, where before the memories would haunt me every night whilst I lay in bed. It sounds corny but I think I managed to forgive myself for not having all the poise, charm or wisdom to see events through exactly as I would have liked every time. I realised how I was agonising myself by constantly replaying things that shall never be changed and have likely faded from the memory of all the people involved, except myself; involving people too, that I shall never meet again, unless by a very strange chance.

I find myself, as is usually the case, agreeing with Saigyo about your example Mikan. I can empathise with the situation too, as I have, in the past due to anxiety, said whatever was necessary to exit the conversation by the quickest path.