2 of 10 ...

....
I feel a bad episode coming on.

6/10, I don't do anything all day but I feel relaxed and comfortable not being around other people, but I'm also really sad...

8/10. I haven't been feeling too great for about a week now.

15/10.

It has been the first time since i don't know how long...

That i though "i want to die, i should die, for the better"

it's getting really heavy again

8/10
I feel alienated.

-3/10

Feeling more alive than I have in a long time. I can only hope it will continue. Hope you all feel better soon too.

8/10

I can't even think of an answer to the plans for the future thread. Lets fill every day up with escapism.

That's pretty much what my days are. At least Monday - Friday. Get up, go to work, come home, escapist hobbies, sleep, repeat.

I don't know why, but i felt i had to do that .

8/10

Soul crushed.

8
I'm thinking maybe I'd rather be a lifeless shell that could function rather than be who I am today.

Which brings me to medication.

10/10
life sucks and i cant wait to die.

Hang tight.

I'm being forced to go to a psychologist. My dad said it's time to grow up and turn my life around and stop avoiding everything. I'd like to rant and be angsty, but he's right. However, how he's doing this is wrong, you can't brute force me into something, that's not the way to get me to cooperate. I need everything to happen at the right time, and during my right mind set. Also trying to guilt trip me isn't going to work, I didn't ask for any of this. And I only have the option of one psychologist, and I'm worried about these limitations. I have no idea what she's like...What if she assumes too much, what if she's a condescending bitch, or what if she shows some form of care for my problems. I wish I could just deal with a machine that has no opinions.

Heh, please don't take this at wrong aconcit, but this post of yours makes me think of Shinji frigthened and overwhelmed, screaming "i can't do it!" in episode 1 .

And by the way, i always preferred when my psychologists were women, i don't know why, but i felt much more at ease when it was a female doctor (and i think i felt more comfortable around females in general )

/hug

Don't be so anxious right now. Give it a try, and endeavor yourself to at the very least say 'fine, I will be open to this person for the first time or so'. If you tell the psychologist on no uncertain terms 'I don't trust you, bitch', they'll probably understand where you're coming from. I had this same opinion when I went to therapy for the first time here, but he let me know immediately that he doesn't expect me to tell him anything at all in the beginning or trust him in the slightest, which was a bit of a relief. Remember that the psychologist is there to give you the best possible way to help you and you owe nothing to her. If that means you have to take therapy at your own pace then that's what it means.

Also, my depression level is ~9/10, mostly boosted by anxiety. I wish I could die, and someone could come kill me, please please.

I agree with SoullessHuman, give it a try. What have you got to lose, really? If you feel it's not working, you're under no obligation to continue sessions. I've seen three different psychiatrists, and all I can tell you is that a good one will not judge you, will let you go at your own pace, and genuinely does want to help and understand.

As for me, I feel a bit on edge. Why is everything a struggle? Why can't I find the motivation to do the simplest of tasks? I'm trying to push on with life, find the positives, but I feel disheartened at the reality that depression is most likely here to stay.

that's great stu! i get you man, like i wouldnt want to go see a shrink either and it may suck, but it's at least some progress towards rehabilitation.
and hey, at least it's better than suddenly going to college 5 days a week, right? best of luck to you~

Thanks guys. I'm doing this to eventually have to go to college for 5 days a week. But these years are running by like Terry Fox so I think it's best for me.

Soulless your post is enlightening because it makes me think of how I always feel that I have to be the person's friend, and how I have to be nice to everyone.


And I hope you guys feel better.

You don't have to be a psychologist's friend. They're there to help you sort out your issues, not theirs, so you owe shit to them.

Also, you're welcome, and best of luck!

Slightly lower now, ~8/10, I'm just sleepy.

14/10

Everything hurts, everything. Everyone is far away. I'm empty and cowardly and wicked and weak.

Oddly enough, i don't think or feel like killing myself .

8/10

I hope the future will be better.