This is a little personal, but l want to share it anyway. Lyrical got me thinking in her other post and l need somewhere to pour out my thoughts.

My first suicide attempt was three and a half years ago. lt was in December. l remember taking a bottle of painkillers from the medical cabinet and climbing up the stairs to my bedroom. As l ascended up the stairs, l told my sister good night. She didn't even pause from her computer. l took the pills six at a time, easing in to the motions slowly. After finishing the pills, l laid down and waited. lt wasn't until hours later that l finally did the sensible thing and looked up online that trying to kill myself with a bottle of painkillers wasn't going to cut it. This really depressed me. l mean, l thought l was depressed before, but that really made me feel like shit from the sewers of some chemical wasteland. l was young, innocent, naive, what can l say. My eyes are open now.

Anyways, since then, l've always felt different. The person l was the day before the attempt wasn't the same after. Sometimes l think l actually did die that day. lt was a silly act done by a foolish child, but l haven't seen that foolish child since. l hold onto the belief that that person's still alive within me. She's just sleeping. Nothing l do seems to wake her though. And l've tried many other attempts after to wake her up. lt's a vicious cycle l can't quite escape from.

The second serious attempt happened back in March. l was fed up feeling so empty all the time. l wanted the old me to come alive. ln my own delusion, l thought that only way for that girl to wake up was to kill the current me. Does that make sense? Anyways, it just ended with me having a fucked up liver and ugly scars.

Each time l try to die, l feel more decayed.

l honestly don't like what l've become and wish l never tried to take my life. l feel like a walking corpse at times. Why am l alive when l should've died long ago? lt's purgatory.

l live for my family and friends now because they fear death. l don't. They do and l love them enough not to try it again (or at least not for a while). l'm just getting tired of that though. l want to live because l want to. l want to live for myself, you know?

l'm so fucked up now l don't know if l can do what it takes to make myself better again. l feel so fucked up it hurts. l know this is a slow process that may take years (especially for me). l'm too impatient to wait, but l have to. l just want to go back to how l was before. Happy and carefree.

l want to be normal. l know most "normal" people are ignorant, shallow, and narrow minded (tolerance doesn't make you open minded or sympathetic. You're just tolerant of things you think are fucked), but God, l want to experience that. They're so happy 'cause they're so ignorantly happy. lt's bliss to know so little.

Not looking for any sympathy, etc. Just wanted to post it up because l felt like it.

l hope no one else has actually tried to die. l know this is unlikely, but l like you guys and hate to see you go (yes, l see the irony in me saying this. Shut up =p) l definitely don't recommend it.

I've also attempted suicide.

During my teen years up until my early 20's, there was hardly a day where I didn't think of suicide. I'd often spend hours a day fantasizing about my death. My constant suicidal state lasted until I realized that I wasn't as fucked up as I'd thought.

These days, my suicidal feelings are sudden and temporary, but can be very strong.

Two months ago, I nearly hung myself - I literally was gonna go through with it and even warned people that I was gonna do it. I'd thought of the past and how things hadn't changed and felt it would be necessary to end my life than to suffer longer. I eventually got out of my depressive state and decided to continue living.

I really wish I could meet people like the ones on here in real life. It would make things a lot better for me. With a few good friends and a girlfriend, I'd never become suicidal - ever.

Anyway, hope you get better althe (if you're currently suicidal, that is).

2 weeks ago I took a 7 hour drive to a bridge (I don't want to advertise good bridges to jump off of so I'm not going to say which one) with plans of jumping off. I was going to jump off at like 4am in hopes of not seeing anyone else on the bridge. But I ended up standing there for a few hours and eventually drove back. I'm not 100% sure why I didn't do it, but I felt completely different about life for the next few days after I got back to the apartment. I think I'm already starting to feel depressed again though. If these feeling about life in general keep up I'll probably find myself pondering the bridge again.


I know exactly what you mean... I also wish I could blindly except the world around me, but I can't stop thinking about the obvious reasons to leave this place.
(sorry if you were just getting that off your chest and didn't want anyone to post)

Er....well not sure if I ought to post. Maybe this thread should be private? I am really curious though.... I guess Chair
can always delete my post if it is inappropriate.

Anyway, the closest I came involved stealing some cyanide. I was all set to go, final emails set on automatic timers, when
I got a worried phone call from a friend. Turns out I messed up on setting the email or something, and she had already
gotten it. Ended up just making an ass of myself. The humiliation I felt then has kept me from seriously trying again,
though I think about it whenever I'm on a tall building or near some train tracks. I feel like I'm getting pulled in. But!
Still around so I guess everything is fine.

I'm curious as to how you dealt with the aftermath of your attempts, althe.

Thank you for the post althe. It's a weird thought, I mean...you don't know what you have until it's gone. Like, if I never had a sister, oh well, "I don't care!" But since I do have a sister and I know what it's like to have a sister, losing her would be horrible. Or if you read the paper, "lady jumps off golden gate bridge." The normal response is, "wow that sucks." But what if you knew her, not even that well, but you met her once at a get-together or something, the thought of her no longer being alive is really sad. So the thought of you, althe, never actually becoming a member makes me sad.

I've never attempted suicide, or have been so depressed that I seriously considered it. I believe that in order to get to that point of depression, your depression has to be nurtured over a long period of time. The way I grew up I was always turned away from doing anything unethical, it's been ingrained in my head, and also because I was genuinely happy as a kid, suicide never once crossed my mind...there was never any reason for it to. I'm lucky that depression(well...not that lucky) came later in my life. Because, had I started having troubles at a younger age, my story would probably be much different. But now that I'm somewhat older and am aware of what life has to offer, the thought of not experience tomorrow scares me, no matter how crummy, boring,and depressing it may be.

If you're wondering why I have depression, I'm not exactly sure myself. Depression hits me like a cold, you slowly start to feel it come on, it gets worse, and then suddenly it goes away...except in my case it keeps coming back. I always say to myself, "damn it would be nice to be ten years old again." In other words, "ignorance is bliss." As a kid everything was fairly normal. I always had friends at school, my BEST friend lived directly across the street from me and I was constantly outside. No worries in the world. When I moved, I lost that friend, and the first new 'friend' I made after moving stole from me and threatened to beat me up. After about a year, I eventually gained a tight nit group of 4 friends that I hung out with regularly. I mean, during the summers, they would sleep over at my house 3-4 days in a row and we'd play games for hours(this was 3-6th grade). But going into 7th and 8th grade, within that span of two years, I lost ALL of them(3 moved far away and one turned into a prick) and I went into high school knowing no one. It was at that point when I started to realize how much I depended on all of them, and realized how horrible my people skills were when I tried to make new friends. Even when I did make friends, I only ever saw them at school. The one good friend I made went into the army last year and I'm slowly losing him too. The other friend I have is one of my OLD friends that miraculously moved back after being gone 3 years, but I even feel like I'm VERY slowly losing him too....

yep

Train tracks hold the same irresistable gravity to me. Not really irresistable, but it seems really tempting sometimes. When I climed trees in my youth I'd have a strong urge to throw myself off the tallest branch too. It wasn't really to do with suicide and it's probably a little impolite to post about it here, where althe is sharing sincere emotions.

There was a time when I did fantasize almost every moment about suicide. I would imagine myself taking bloody revenge against those that wronged me; With that done, take my own life. Or I'd stand up in the middle of class and throw myself out of a window. Usually upon those lines, which now seem more about making a sudden impact than the quiet act of death. Deep within myself I knew that I didn't have the steely determination to go through with it. I would think on the grief that it would cause my family and that was enough to alay any resolve.

It suprises me to hear about your inner turmoil, althe. You struck me as the most well adjusted individual on this board. I suppose a person's outward exterior is sometimes at wild variance to how they feel within.

that's why we all need to put funds together and get a hikimori mansion.

I have thought about suicide very much. Most of time I just felt pain and thoughts about suicide eased that pain. So I created suicide plan in details.

But I promised myself (and more important my inner self kind of "agreed" with me) that I will commit suicide only if there'll be no chances left of turning to life without pain. Then the painful life period must be quite big like several months. It may be the pain of some unmodifable life circumstances or world properties in general or sense of life lost irretrievably (life without sense hurts me plenty and kind of this I have experienced in past 3 months). So, it will be in fact euthanasia for the human with incurable psychical suffering.

With such view on this problem it's kind of hard to get in the circumstances that will lead to the suicide. Life tends to hurt for a short period of time after which man starts to feel positive emotions again and enjoys living. Pain as lots of other emotions and factors fade away more-less quickly.

But if, unfortunately, I will make decision of committing suicide, it must be 100% guaranteed death without possible invalidisation. And I must have some time to think about it, calm down and possibly cancel that decision. I made some precautions for excluding fast suicide attempts while being highly emotional. For example, I will not keep real gun at home (traumatic is possible), will not prepare rope and halter, etc.

I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I think the only reason I don't kill myself is to keep my parents from being upset. It would be selfish of me to commit suicide.

When I was at my worst, I thought about it pretty much everyday. I had really strong urges but never acted on them.

I once tried eating a bunch of aspirin when I was like 15. I don't know if I was honestly attempting suicide. It was more, I'm depressed and angry, I want to OD on something, all i got is aspirin, I'm cool with this potentially killing me.

I am glad you are still around friend. I am sorry to hear of the damage that has been done to your body.

I know that I think about attempting suicide all the time. I have a method... not a good method.. but a method none the less. In many ways I want my suicide attempt to kill a part of me like it did for you. I guess I figure if I try dying and fail I have not choice but to try another method to not feel miserable.

Thanks for sharing, I am probably not in the best place right now to be reading this kind of stuff. Just know I am happy you are here.

For my first attempt, l didn't tell anyone about it until much later. My sister kind of yelled at me and my mother was alarmed. Nothing was done though. l guess they thought it was something that'd go away. l went to see a counselor once a month. Didn't help much.

l never told anyone else about my other attempts except for the one back in March.

l swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills, the rest of my cilexa, a bottle of Tylenol extra strength, and a cup of bicardi 151. l filled my tub up with water and slipped myself in and started cutting my wrists and thighs until l passed out. l woke up the next day, too groggy and drugged to do anything else so l went to bed and slept for 24 hours before my mom drove me home. l showed my sister my cuts and she told my mother who brought me to the hospital.

l told them l didn't care that l was being selfish. l just wanted to die. They were really upset. l was living with two roomates at uni at an apartment at the time. l now live with my family again.

Trying to kill myself really hurt my friends and family so l promised them l wouldn't have anymore failed attempts and l also promised to write suicide letters to my friends as well instead of just my family (one friend jokingly got sad l didn't write her anything).

When l first tried killing myself, l felt guilty, stupid, embarrassed to have done it. l find, the more and more l try and the more serious l am when attempting to kill myself, the less l worry about these things. There's only one objective in my mind and that is to die. Whatever comes after won't matter because l won't be there to witness it.

The aftermath sucks. l initially go through a week of being really cheery and happy and promising myself to change and then the following week l go back to being depressed. My friends and family gets concerned of course. l'm happy to see them all and l have fleeting thoughts of regret if l never got to see them again.

There's not much of an aftermath really. Perhaps it's because it an Asian thing or that the people around me aren't familiar with mental illness, but they don't do much. They're very kind and offer their support in any way they can help and that's all l can ask.

l don't mind people posting their stories. lt's nice to know we can all relate and are supporting each other.

Be thankful you never succeeded. I've been told the afterlife isn't kind to those who show up by way of suicide. Better to suffer here rather than there.

This probably sounds stupid, but I had a feeling of extreme euphoria when I tried to do myself in. I've never felt like that before, and haven't felt like it since.

Also, since I tend to kill threads, I'd like to see how long this sticks around. =)

l can kind of relate to the euphoria. lt's not euphoria, but l feel alive again. Sometimes l do it just to feel alive again. When you're dying, you know you were living. Does that make sense?

And what do you mean by killing threads? Are we talking about inappropriate topics cause it borderline pro-suicide?

Well, the euphoria I felt was because I was dying. Does it make sense?

And, I mean that "I" kill threads. Some of my posts seem to discourage people from post ing. But, obviously it doesn't make you turn away, althe.

The only thing that would deter me away from you is if you were eating durian (l hate the smell)

Are you suicidal now? l'm feeling pretty suicidal. lt makes me unmotivated to do anything else. l want to know how to distract myself or speed up the process of getting out of this state. lt's not fun.

As l mentioned before, the only thing keeping me here are my friends and family. l'm right now kind of testing them, seeing how much they're willing to put up with me. The moment l see they're fed up and don't care, l'm gone. lt's cruel, l know. Though l can't help it.

I've had suicidal thoughts all the way to back when I was a kid, and I don't know how healthy that is. I know that I didn't attempt anything until my teen years, so that must be a good sign.

Similar situation as me, though mine started a little later (15?).

l feel like a drama queen at times since l know my life isn't that terrible compared to others (especially some of yours). l feel weak for not being able to handle my emotions. l just don't know what went wrong. l know everyone has issues. We all go through hard times more often than we want to think. Life isn't fair and doesn't have to be. We have to choose how we live with them. Most people are thankfully capable to make these decisions everyday without a second thought. l can't. l think and feel too deeply. What l lack most of the time is hope. Something everyone needs to keep living. How to you have hope? How does hope manifest?

On another note, l know some of you are against seeing doctors, but l find having professional help has really helped me progress further than if l had gone through this alone. Though l sometimes wonder if they're just fucking me up more with their medications and questionable facts that fit the majority, but doesn't necessarily fit with me.

See, I think we're all allowed to be drama queens, but to a point. I find venting like this to be acceptable. Vent with friends is what they are there for. And if they are unwilling to listen, then I would think twice about considering them friends.

And althe speaks the truth. It's sometimes very helpful, even if it might send you into a deeper depression.

Sorry to read what you went through althe.
You always seem so vibrant when posting on here, it's a real shame things like this happen to pretty cool people.

i tried twice.. dont wana give any details.
im to ashamed of myself

ive attempted suicide 3 or 4 times that i can remember, with pills and have never told anyone in real life.
when in the hospital on a drip for 48 hours, the nurses were insisting that i contacted someone but i refused. it was never "a cry for help" as some people seem to think it is.
i just wanted to die.

as Lord Tricky mentioned above though. the afterlife if a person commits suicide both interests me and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

sometimes i feel like ending things the same way that elliot smith did.

a lot of people try hypothermia (not sure if it really is a great way to go or not)

sorry for my depressing post and more importantly sorry that you all have to feel this way.

best of luck to all of you

Personally, I'm sort of agnostic about such things. It used to matter to me whether there is an afterlife or not, but now I just don't care either way. I figure I'll get what's coming to me regardless, and my "belief" in that fate is not going to make a difference on the reality.

I refuse to be a consequentialist -- that is, I'm not going to not do something just because of some system of reward and punishment. I do what I want. I know that I respect people more when they do things purely for their own reasons, rather than someone else's, even if those things are distasteful. I hold murderers in higher esteem than people who want to kill but don't just because they're afraid of prison.

I personally feel the whole theory about a bad afterlife for those who commit suicide is utter bullshit. It's disgusting, really. They almost make it sound like it's a goddam crime or something to take your own life. It's not like you're hurting anyone else for ****'s sake. Now, from an external point of view your family and people you know will be sad and may end up hurt, but that still doesn't make it a crime to commit suicide. I don't know who the hell came up with that theory, but I'd love to punch them in the face. I don't even know why I'm so defensive about it, I've never attempted suicide; just thought about it many, many times. My excuse was that I never had a gun. I don't want to die a slow and painful death. I also believe other people don't have the right to tell us what to do in our own time concerning only ourselves, whether it be suicide or a personal fetish.