senmee why not just work with an editor instead of taking that on yourself? you can obviously meet deadlines or you wouldn't have graduated.

yesterday was just one bad revelation after another. first i find out that my unemployment is running out and my husband expects me to work after all. i haven't had a single callback about a job i'd be cool with and now it's back to any job at all. which for me means fast food. i decided that i'm going to start smoking again the day i get a job like that again which will be a huge disappointment for the husband. this also totally fucks with my plans of attending college so now i have the added bonus of knowing that i'll be stuck in this same situation of having not a shot at any job in the world except the most menial for another year. then at the doctors i fin out that i went and gained ten pounds. how did that even happen? i hate this body i'm stuck with forever, and i hate that i have to work so hard just to get it to not gain excessive weight. then the husband tells me he was talking to a realtor yesterday without me and wants to look into a house now. it was my understanding that we'd be in the apartment for another year and begin looking in six months. i feel pressured and rushed to be excited and happy about something i couldn't give two shits about in the first place. now he's talking mortgage, and renters and all this shit that i'm just not comfortable with. it doesn't matter what i say because he's just going to do what he wants anyway. expecting things of me and being disappointed when i can't deliver is different for him.
right now i know that if i live up to others expectations then i'll be miserable but if i choose to be content with the way things are then they'll make me miserable anyway. like most things in life this is a lose - lose.
i wish i had the money to just be who i am, and say what i think the hell with what every and any one else thinks of it.

I hope you get better soon Mask.

Lately, I haven't been able to really taste anything. It's not that food tastes like air or something in my mouth, but when I eat something, nothing is activated in my brain. There is no pleasure, or sadness, or reaction to eating now. Just saliva and swallowing.

Erutxet, I've never felt emotion from eating before, haha.
I just know some things make me sick, some things make me too full, etc. Food has never made me happy, depressed, angry, or anything like that.


Skyscraper's dying bird is bothering me. Agh, it's so sad.

Believe it or not, nothing has bothered me for days.

people in general.
i can just look at some random person and see how they act and it just makes me feel sick to my stomach.
this goes for almost everyone i see.

This guy left a site I mod for a month now, but he continues coming back, hunting down member's contact info and harassing them.

I mean SERIOUSLY! This guy left the site for MORE THAN A MONTH, AND HE'S STILL TRYING TO CAUSE FUCKING DRAMA.

GO AWAY, CREEPY STALKER MAN.

My heart is on the fritz. l hate how l can't control my emotions. l feel really peeved and insecure and head over heels towards someone l shouldn't have feelings for to begin with. He's playing with me and that pisses me off. Why is love so difficult? l wish l wasn't so over emotional. l know l've been posting about this subject a lot, but that's all l think about right now. He's totally got me locked in his spell. l wonder if he even fully understands how smitten l am.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. MAKE THlS PAlN GO AWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY.

Are you unable to tell him how you feel? If not, do you think he's waiting for you to make a move?

I hope all goes well for you. I'm sure something good will happen between you two.

The fact that I do not know why I want a female in my life... other than for physical needs and pleasures.... I am slipping back into the way I was in college... which I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I guess it is because my friend Z, as I call her, is being such a bitch to me. I am finally angry at her. We got into a pathetic life fight today. To see who had a more pathetic life. I know that I won... she has a boyfriend and me who she can toy with.

Another thing that is on my mind is how can I change myself to get what I want from females... I feel like such a man whore... it sickens me... yet it is what I want....

@althe: Sounds like you need to kick him squaw in the nuts. That will break the spell I am sure of it... or at least keep him from casting it for a while.

Get a whore?

If you are serious, read this: http://www.scribd.com/doc/24106559/Principles-101

l don't know how to tell him how l feel. l guess l'm waiting for the right time, but l don't know when that is or what the right time is. l don't know what he's thinking or what he thinks of me.

All l know is that l'm feeling more fat and ugly day by day

You shouldn't torture yourself althe. Send him a love letter if you can't bring yourself to say something outright. At worst, he'll be flattered.

(I'm being an anxiety hypocrite)

Ummm ok...?

My fingertips hurt like hell, and I don't have any ideas of anything to draw, and I'm running low on extra Adderall. That's what's bothering me.

Whenever I see the "Post here If You're Horny" thread, I feel self-conscious about how long its been since I've felt that way. And, I can't seem to get to sleep at all lately.

The main thing thathas been bothering me is will I actually change in some way? What I mean is I set all these goals. However, will they make me happier? Will I be able to beat back my insecurity and depression and become the person I want to be? Or will it all be external? Will I just be thin but still me? That has been bothering me the most and preventing me from getting therapy.

My general procrastination, I suppose. Time to buckle down and get'r dun.

During the past week my sleeping schedule has been pretty messed up. I wake up at 1:30pm and fall asleep during random periods of the day, I fall asleep at 3:00-4:00 am, I wake up at 5:30 am, fall asleep at 6:40, and wake up a few times before the time I usually wake up for good.

I hat it when crappy like that happens. I wish I could get a full nights sleep easier

You say some real shit, Mask. I am not in a relationship, but I have said "To hell with you all!" sooo many times in life. I couldn't give any less of a shit about taking out a mortgage or something like that. I don't care one bit about owning a house or anything like that. I wish you the best and hope that your position on things is valued by your husband. I know this is a way late response, but whatevvvv.

thanks for the words of kindness Chair. i didn't respond at first because i feel like i'm spamming when i post things like "thank you Chair" with nothing else to really add to it.

Fone, i'm sure what you meant by i say some real shit - am i a drag, keeping it real or full of it?

i'm not being forced to get a job - yet. hopefully i can be employed sometime before the fall at a place i'd actually want to work at. i'd like to have something else to do with my day than pick up after other people and play video games so it's not like i refuse to work, i just refuse to work fast food while i can. knowing my luck i'll get a job right before fallout: new vegas is released when playing video games is all i'm going to want to do. i'm still fat and that's bothering me the most right now. working out five days a week at the gym and trying to watch what i eat is a start. as for the house thing - he's agreed to wait since i agreed not to give him a hard time about the entire experience when we start the process and go out looking. i still don't give a shit about anything that has to do with home ownership but it's a fair trade. these things are still on my mind but they aren't crushing me right now.

two things on my mind right now.
the family is invited to a forth of july bbq and i'm already looking for any excuse to not go. i know there will be many questions coming my way from the heated drunken political arguments at the last bbq i avoided to see why i gave my husband this or that idea he wasn't able to clearly define for them at the time because well, everyone was drunk. i'm so damn tired of explaining myself to anyone. my being the only vegetarian there isn't going to help matters, and not giving a shit about this country is going to force me to lie or face the wrath of the patriots. i'm willing to go so far as to make myself sick to get out of this one but i doubt i'll have to go that far.
also i know i have no reason to say no to my kid other than my paranoia, but i just can't let this trip to california with freinds happen. so there's going to be some huge argument and i'll have to deal with someone who is going to cause me nothing but grief the entire weekend. the joy of parenting..

I mean that you "keep it real" haha. Basically all of the beliefs and views you have voiced on the forum that I have read, I have agreed with. I can't comment on anything to do with parenting as I have no children and don't really plan on it.

It's weird having opposing views on things compared to everyone else around you. Part of me would want to just be obnoxious and totally open about everything, offending as many people as possible. But I know that it'd make my life hell for however much longer I had to be around those people if I did. I get in those situations accidentally with my sense of humor sometimes. I like dry humor as well as dark/morbid humor, and I tend to speak in a very deadpan fashion in general. I made a joke about suicide at work today and even though my coworker laughs at the same shit I do, the other people in there were like "Whooooa... oooookayyyyy..." Which makes me want to cuss them out haha. IT'S A JOKE, DAMNIT!