It's death, death, and death in my dreams. People are dying, people are hurt, no one's happy, everyone's angry, and sad, and dead inside.

In my dreams, I live another life, and even that is rife with misery.

This is just me talking about things i don't know about but...

Maybe it is representing an important passage/stage/ritual you are going through? like, deep down in your heart/mind/soul? I tend to see death as change, passage from one existence to another. Maybe something like that is happening to you? I don't know what this would mean for your dreams, but i guess, maybe, when you... umm, to put it in a way "resolve" this story arc of yours then things will go back to your normal dreaminly speaking. But in a way i think it would be a change for you, well, then again everything's a change .

I hope this helps somehow.

No, even if you looked at my dream thread, a common reoccuring theme is death. This has been going on as far as I remember, even as a child my dreams were of pain and death.

Hmm... Maybe you have always been fixated or bothered/disturbed by the concept of Death and/or irreversible/definitive change/passage? And/or also of the violence or energy that usually accompanies them?

My fading social skills
The music I make sucks
I escape reality too much, and the only times I feel content with myself is when I do.
I've been watching too much porn lately and it makes my mind more sexual, hindering my thought pattern when talking to others.
I hold onto a romantic idea that there will be a point where I prevail and rid myself of my alienation so that I can start living, find a cute lady friend, get a job that pays well using my skillset that I enjoy, and then enjoy segments of the times spent until I die. I realize this probably won't happen for many of the people who hold this type of dream. I can't entirely rid the hope though..

This is totally me (and yeah, this has been bothering me as well ).



For me it's more that i lately found out just how shitty are my social skills, i think my boss might think i'm slightly retarded .



You know, i still can't help but think that yes, they can happen and we have the right... And maybe even duty... To struggle towards them. However... I believe that it isn't reachable if you're not willing to certain compromises, and also... They are real (even right now) but just not in the way people think they will be.

And on topic: Why am i occasionally thinking in comparations to what i do or act with how my father does or used to when he was my age? And why do i feel a certain pride when i see some of the things in which i am like him!? Now this makes me think of Shinji and his oedipal religion around his father . "Tou-san" .

I sometimes wonder if everybody I know just pretends I'm normal. I've noticed people talk to me differently, but it might be because I'm distant and unrelatable to them..


I think it's possible, but I'm not sure if it is for everybody..I still haven't figured out if I can properly function speaking with others let alone make commitments to and work with others.

[/quote]

I'm sort of like that except I don't want to be like mine. I have the same jawline as my father and I notice I'm very similar in many ways. I don't hate him, but a lot of his traits aren't something I want to have. When I picked out my glasses I made sure they were round to differentiate from his square glasses. He's got a lot of respectable traits too though.

I think some people do that with me too, specially if i don't tend to talk with them much, then again i sometimes have difficulties in social situations and i talk in a very low voice so i can imagine why they feel the need to talk to me as if i had some mental condition (which then again it's not entirely untrue)



Well... It's complex. Maybe we have to make a greater effort towards that? or maybe it is going to work out, but not in the way we think? or maybe we have to make some compromises (comformity, anxiety, pain, not talking with others, etc...) with that dilemma? Maybe it is not our true dream?



My father, basically; Admirable man, horrible person when dealing with others intimately (depends).

While there are a lot of his traits i feel proud of having, there are some of his traits that i dislike/criticize or downright hate, his supreme thinking is one of them, along with his apparent disconsideration towards other people's feelings (depends) among others, and in those ones i feel i am almost a contrary to him . Actually, my father has a hat (sort of field/campaign hat) and in some few occasions i put on that hat and looked at myself in the mirror, hell, i don't even really understand why i guess i just wanted to see how did i looked both physycally and characterically compared to it.

That said, i think i'll be happier if he dissapeared, i mean, not dying, but rather finding out that he escaped and left his home without telling anyone and being very likely we will never see him again. Probably because he turned insane and recruited a neighbour of his neighbourhood to wander the world as a knight errant .

Ok, I'm going to rant a bit. Is that alright? I don't know - I just see this thread as a safe place to do this, and I really need to right now. I don't want to sound like I'm always complaining and going on about the same thing, but this is the only place I can do it HC.

Yesterday, my boyfriend tells me that he probably won't be coming back from America for Christmas after he goes for studies. Well, there goes that. He told me that he would be able to and probably would do so before...so why has this changed? Why they fuck would you give me that to hold on to and change it? I know that I shouldn't and can't choose what other people decide to do - everyone has a right to choose their own path, but it still upset me very much. I didn't want to show it though, because I don't want to be that vulnerable. I don't want to be the one that gets the most upset. I just said "okay." When he said "I'll miss you" it took all of my power not to let the tears out when I replied "I'll miss you too."

And that entire day, I had to hold myself back from going mental and letting my anger out on everything. I've never felt all this before meeting him. All of these emotions are so new to me. Love and this new kind of pain. It's just that if I were in his shoes, I would not give up the chance to see him after months of being apart...or would I? Why? I don't understand. On the one hand, I feel like a silly, spoilt child whining and getting upset like this. On the other, I feel like I am justified. I DON'T KNOW HOW I SHOULD FEEL. All I know is that I feel like there is something burning within me and whenever people mention this particular course in which they will study abroad (another of my good friends will be going too) and how excited they are, I feel the rage in me clench its teeth.

I know I should feel happy for them, but suddenly now, I am finding it very difficult. Now, I just feel hurt.

After all this time of staying away from people, of being lonely, I find friends, but they must leave me. I think that is partly why I feel like this.

Last night, I let it out finally. Finally, I could cry. It felt terrible, but it was such a relief, even though I was being as silent as possible. But I was lying there in the dark with my lover who hasn't even left me his arms around me. It felt pathetic.

Now what's bothering me is I feel like this whole thing is making me slip back into my old, self destructive ways and I am constantly telling myself to keep on track. After all this healing, I can't go back to being like that.

PoisonFlowers i would not do that to someone i "loved" i just wouldn't... I'm probably gonna make it worse by saying this but maybe he just doesn't care enough. Its just the way i see it, i wouldn't be able to, it would hurt too much...

OR! Maybe he just really doesn't have any choice in the matter. If anything, life is a bit complicated.

WOW drunk much NotYou?

Ignore this one.

Nature or nurture? Software or hardware? Is my limbic system abnormal? Is my reticular activating system buggered? Are my orbitofrontal cortex and ventral striatum not dense enough? Can I choose to be different person or am I stuck being this way? Will it never get better than this?

Therapy starts on Tuesday. I'm nervous.

Well besides therapy tomorrow, I've noticed I've been getting new bumps on my chest. I saw a yellow patch on my skin, and now it turned into a red bump. I feel weak and sick. I really need to get to that doctor.

Also I look damn creepy in the mirror. Black circles under my eyes, pale, and a lifeless gaze.

That my mother called me a criminal or a failure, that i snapped recently and my family doesn't seem to notice or care too much, that they seem to like only in the measure of how useful i am (or to put it another way, if i don't produce something then i don't have the right to life or peace in their eyes) And that i just can't deal with anything anymore. I just can't. Oh, and also, so much as thinking of school fills me with anxiety and almost kills me because i get ill, and i think if i'm forced to go i will end up killing myself. I should look for something like a long distance education (just one last year, come on!) or something similar to an online job or something. Fuck the education system. You know, lately i also have been getting the feeling: I don't have a place in this century, maybe not on this world, maybe not in society, maybe not in the world of the 21st century, all i see within it is bullshit and bullshit, nothing but trading, joking, falseness and hedonism.

Oh, by the way...

dude, dont tell me you STILL havent seen a doctor yet
i wouldnt be that worried about the therapy, go see a doctor about the bumps asap.

Well the first bump stopped growing and I didn't feel weak anymore. But now it's all coming back..I really don't like my doctor though. He's a god damn pill pusher.

EEeeeeengh okay I'll get my health card on Wednesday.

I feel harassed by my schoolwork. I know I must do it, but it makes me want to skin my spirit alive.

Know the feeling, just replace homework with "going to school" (kinda literally, hell, i don't think i would mind something like long distance) . It's fucking horrible indeed .

@ Aconcit: Risking to sound like empty phrases, but for lack of better words I'd still like to say that I hope everything turns out well for you. Also I agree with k00ke. Even if you don't like this particular doc, it might be not such a bad idea to at least have it checked out. Conducting some own research and looking for options is still something you can do later on, but first you have to know what is wrong.. I guess..

@ Dream: I felt like this for the longest time, yet I think if anything, the things that keep us living are the thing we enjoy and I don't know about you, but from how I see it, many of those are things invented in this time and age.
This very place proved me otherwise.


On topic: my general weakness these days

Thanks fraktale, I plan to see him this week, especially seeing how I feel this morning. I woke up with a sharp pain in my ears as if I had been swimming far below the surface. When I looked in the mirror I look more pale than usual..

Anyways I went to see the psychologist and it seemed to go alright. Well at least she was alright. But the topics kind of built up and put a large weight on my face. Now I feel like I'm supposed to be crying here but I can't cry. She said we have two paths to move down. One might suggest a social anxiety or obsessional disorder, but that would only explain half of my problems. The other would be down the psychoactive route.

I think I may have an abnormally large head. Hats don't fit me. 'N when I went to get glasses, there were like 1000 pairs there, but I only had two options because only two pairs fit me.

the power supply port on my laptop appears substantially looser than when it was first bought.

Yeah definitely see the doc. I always seem to put off seeing the doctors too. I sort of get used to any problems until I'm a bit like "meh, whatever."

[quote[Anyways I went to see the psychologist and it seemed to go alright. Well at least she was alright. But the topics kind of built up and put a large weight on my face. Now I feel like I'm supposed to be crying here but I can't cry. She said we have two paths to move down. One might suggest a social anxiety or obsessional disorder, but that would only explain half of my problems. The other would be down the psychoactive route.[/quote]
I'm glad it wasn't horrendous. I've never had therapy before. Good luck with the rest of it. Do you think it's ben helpful at all?


Nah, most hats and glasses are abnormal shapes I have a hat problem too - usually because my head is too small but it's proportional to my body

The feeling that I rely too much on select people for my happiness and wellbeing is what bothers me.
Also, I feel like I'm going through some kind of late adolescent emotional development that other people have already been through, but that I've skipped passed unknowingly. I am 20 and I need to learn how to be an adult, but I don't feel prepared yet.

You're right... I just... Wasn't thinking properly or completely when i posted that, too filled with pain. With the hedonism and such part, i meant in the sense that i feel like the world wants to force you and everyone to be this single way and every other way is a failure, and their ideal way is to me a joke, and if you don't wanna live that way, you're fucked, big time, since you need money to live in this society... But yeah, i don't think i would be even alive in another century . And that's another thing, all the stuff you have to do just to earn the prize of not being death, it's just frustratring and heartbreaking to me, specially because the road and things i have to do to not being death are things i can't stand and in that road i think i would just end up killing myself since i wouldn't be able to deal with it anymore . I know not everywhere it's like that. But i think that because of something someone decided i have to deal with that bad joke from society . And on the picture... Man, that is very symbolical, freedom, escape, a Dream... I want that, but it feels so distant and that everyone in my family and myself to a certain extent, and certain things are constantly reminding me that i don't have it or getting me away from it or reminding me that i don't have a right to it (according to each one's perspective of course ) But i wish... I desire that picture. Requiem for a Dream. Just out of curiosity, you mean physical or mental weakness? What sort of weakness?



On the bolded part, i can kinda relate and indeed it's a... Risky thing, not always an ideal situation . On the last part, i feel the same, i guess i just feel that everyone is expecting something greater from me and i just can't give it. I feel like am not prepared yet either, but... And i also need to learn how to be an adult, but i frightens me, it's... Intimidating. I think i also didn't went through or skipped something pretty much everyone passes through .