This pretty much sums up my life. I feel like I could've wrote this. The friends and family part really hits home.

I work and work and all of my money goes to someone else. I can't save up for school or anything. My biggest fear is this is where I'll be 5, 10, 15 years from now. No friends, no family, no money -- nothing. I'm trying my best to change things but it's been nothing but hurdle after hurdle. Some days depression takes over and I don't even care anymore.

Sorry if I sound like a downer, but I needed to vent. I regret posting this.

Don't regret it, I'm exactly the same. Venting really helps a lot, I find. After posting that my mind felt a little clearer.
I just hope things get better for you.

Thank you, and you're right. I feel better. I hope things get better for you as well.

Well, it's not annoying but it is bothersome:

I've been requesting information from schools, and they all keep freaking calling me on my phone. I guess I shouldn't have given them my number, but from what I remember requesting information from colleges means they send you a packet in the mail. I had one school call me twice today, back to back. THAT annoyed me, if I don't pick up the first time, either leave a fucking message or drop it. I even had one representative text me!

People bother me the most.

Swine flu bothers me. I am so "lucky" that I belong to several risk groups. Yay! In addition Norway is in European top of death toll due to swine flu compared to the numbers of citizens in the coutry.

A few vaccines have arrived and the distribution is in complete and utter chaos. Typically of this cr***y country. It has now lived up to all my expectations, none of which were good. I had my mother phone the doctor center we belong to, but she couldn't get through. I'm so not just gonna show up and risk going home contaminated and without the flu shot.


Also, I'm still waiting for NAV (the bureau responsible for rehabilitation, disability and monetary compensation) to get in touch. My psychiatrist contacted them in March. It was supposed to take 3-4 months. A short while ago I got a letter from the psychiatric hospital that my psychiatrist is on sick leave, but I could go talk to a psychologist (there are still questions to be answered about my diagnosis. Questions I neeed answered, not about whether or not I'm an Aspie; that's already determined.) I found her quite easy to talk to (as easy as it can be regarding the situation). I'm very unhappy about going to a new guy, and I also have very bad view of psychologists. Psychology is a pseudo/quasi (don't know the diff between them) science. Psychologists are too hung up on childhood and environment. They usually disregard things that are part of you, such as autism. Someone doesn't like to be touched? Must have been abused, never mind that this is true for about everyone on the spectrum. Someone is happy being on their own, doing their ow stuff, must be sad and in denial. After all, simply being aloof and reclusive, like many are, isn't in the book of acceptable behaviour/personality. Gimme a break!

The worst part is that the psychiatrist was gonna come to the meeting with NAV as an autism expert. She has some experience with it. Is it the meaning that this pseudo guy is going IF I ever even get called in? I want someone who actually knows something about autism to accompany me, not someone who thinks it's just a matter of childhood/environment trouble.


Sometimes I'm really happy about not being vaccinated yet, as it allows me to put all this on hold.

I'm bothered by the fact that I don't have a life.

There's a girl that I like and I know that she likes me but I'm too scared to do anything about it.

Being broke is pretty annoying, as is not being able to go to the beach on a beautiful day like today... I suppose if I did though, the beach would be filled with families with zinc on their noses and stuff.... I think I need a private beach.

i think i may becoming a schizoid i used to be a some what of a social butterfly but ever since i turned 19 my life has gone to shit i cant get a job i cant get laid i cant seem to act like an adult i live in a house with 12 people i almost never leave my room anymore i no longer talk to anyone but my parents i feel like ive gone from being an exciting individual to a boring anylitical cynic in about a year oh yea im also 20 as of today and as you can tell i dont care enough at the moment to put punctuation in this paragraph and or group of paragraphs

An ex-colleague of mine lost his fiancee to cancer yesterday. Although I met this girl only once but I feel deep sadness for her death. She was only 28, the same age as me. It makes me wonder a lot; about how she felt and what she was thinking when she knew she was dying, about things that she might want to accomplish yet didn't have the chance while me (same age) is still sitting around at home and afraid of accomplishing something (which is stupid); about why people who love each other can't be together and have to part ways (in whichever ways); about how life gives us so much happiness and so much pain at the same time; and about why is there so much suffering in this world.

Somehow, this girl managed to give me a glimpse of hope, that I am still alive (I've always wanted to die due to depression) and am still able to do many things. I hope she didn't die in vain and she will on her own ways, find happiness maybe in another lifetime or another realm.

I just got 43 pages of homework. No fucking joke. Was upset I couldn't live up to my father's expectations. Probably going to fail. Least I'm going to try though.

i wish i could articulate my feelings. i have the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old.

On a similar theme, i wish i could describe myself without using a million and one contradictions - it's bad enough that i think in clichés.

find a person who doesn't do that.

All the more reason to wish i was able to

I've always had a hard time putting what I've been feeling into words. I know what I am feeling but ask me to describe it and I can't. Know that I'm thinking about it, I dont even know if really do know what I feel.

Sooo I went to my self-defense class (based on Hapkido) tonight. I've been going for almost two weeks now, and the first set of techniques that one learns is the "breakaway", something to do if someone grabs your wrist. They went on about how with the right technique they said muscle doesn't matter, "they literally can't hold on", and how I was doing well learning the techniques, but the moment a guy with a little muscle puts a little effort into holding on, I'm helpless and he's shaking me back and forth like a ragdoll. All I could do was make my wrist hurt from straining to get away. I'm feeling kind of discouraged, although it'll probably pass enough by Wednesday to get me going back.

I just learned that my sister is planning to enroll in college next year while my younger sister is already attending. This makes me feel pressured to go too since I feel like I have to get out of the house and start building my life by starting a career and working on it someday. The things that get me down is that ever since I finished high school, I lost a lot of confidence because my grades barely got me out and wasn't sure I was ready to go to college. The classes were Hell enough for me. Not only that, I have a low paying job and my parents don't exactly have a lot of money since they're in some debt. Meaning, I'd have to pay for the entrance fee and any books I might have to use. Let alone have to deal with assholes again and going through the same experience of putting up with constant stupid jokes, retarded insults, and annoying/pointless chatting.

It's either having another year to get a better job and improve myself while feeling jealous of my sisters and falling behind in life again or suck it up, save up with what little money I can get and get on with it already. Either way, in the end, I'm left with the fear of failure and guilt of uselessness.

It's too bad that you find yourself in competition with your
siblings. Is the pressure more internal or are your sisters and
parents letting it be known that they prefer you enroll immediately
as well?

If it's more you and you feel you can't afford it right now, give yourself
a break, you're still young. There's always time to save up a bit more money.
These days you find people of all ages attending college.

Personally, I felt like I should've done this when I was 18 or 19 after finishing high school. Although my parents and sisters didn't say anything about it and they were okay with me being at home and "helping" them in anyway I could. Whether it be cleaning, watching over our pets, and my mom after she got out of the hospital. Nobody said they had a problem with me staying at home too much just as long as I had a job or anything worthwhile spending time on. But it's the emotional pressure inside me that tells me to get started on a life of my own if I wanted to get anywhere. I wasn't just envious of my sisters, but all of my other friends who were already succeeding and getting ahead of me.

I've had enough time of my own, I believe. At this age, I tell myself it's (almost) too late to get into college or university. I think I'd be finishing up with my 3rd year by now if I went with that decision back then. It's kinda awkward/embarrassing to me to be there with a bunch of other people younger than me.

Nice that you seem to have understanding parents. I also went through the
shame and guilt of feeling that my peers had left me behind, while I had
nothing to show but wasted time and opportunities. I still go through quite a
bit of that now. What kept me from getting the most out of school was that I simply
couldn't deal with the combination of social awkwardness and pressure to achieve
academically. I was also on various medications to help with the anxiety, depression, etc.
In retrospect, I wish I could've done things differently.

If you feel that you'd be able to move forward and start college, you should
do so, but don't beat yourself up over starting late.

i'm bothered by the realisation that i don't have a purpose any longer.
i used to have spark.
i used to have relevance.
suddenly its all gone and i feel like the shadow of my former self.

Well, yes I just sucked in my second (third one if I count the one I made in my country) career. Monday I'll start job hunting or try to get into a third/fourth career, It's very difficult though, institutes aren't accepting students this time of year. And I have to cope with my family calling me a failure because the knew I was about to fail... once again. Anyway, these are difficult times to get a job, even harder if you have beeen a hikikomori for years, I can't keep a job more than a week. And during 4 years Ijust tried 3 times to get one, you know, when my parents go mad and throw me to the street and say: Go look for something, make your life! Of course, it's all a complete failure.

On saturday I noticed one of my cats canine teeth was missing, I think it's the first time in my lifetime when one of our cats have lost a tooth, let alone a canine tooth. And to add to that today I saw he had a blister-like thing on his lip covering his missing tooth, which according to my mum is a abcess. I'm just really anxious for someone to take him to the vet tomorrow. My cat is my companion, he keeps me company, he is pretty much the only thing I get any affection from. So yeah I feel quite worried right now.