:I




I want to be alone. I don't want to have to pretend to show excitement to talk to people or pretend to show affection or deal with others. I don't want to hear people loudly laughing at their jokes and singing annoyingly.

'fake it 'til you make it!!'.... :/

Christ. I feel for you, brother. No man should have to go through that.

Well, mainly the fact that my current best friend is someone whom isn't as much as to me as I am to her, which is bothering me greatly, even if this isn't much of a big deal. Also, smaller things, like the internet being out for most of the day, then coming back with a horrible lag, and also losing my GameBoy Advance SP with Pokemon Sapphire inside it.

My inability to sleep. I'm looking forward to smoking more weed if only because it'll ensure a good night's sleep.

I've actually been considering smoking weed regularly as a means of helping me relax and not be in pain lately.

You could just use legal cigarettes, but then you've got the problems of cancer risks and possible addiction.

Or smoke weed and risk misdemeanor charges for possession.


Actually, it makes more sense to smoke weed.

Yeah, I'd only be smoking at home really and could just give money to my dad and he'd go buy it for me. It's worth a try, I reckon.

Cool dad.
@ Suedehead. Weed makes it harder for me to sleep.. :/

and facebook has been really bothering me lately. I hate it.

As for something that has been bothering me. I am not really sure why the compliments I am paid at the gym are not lifting my mood more.... Almost all of the trainers and staff know me thanks to my trainer.... And losing a lot of weight over the past year. Most have seen my weight loss. Anyway the other day they told me I should consider being a personal trainer. Since I have the knowledge and all that jazz.... I was just not sure how to take the comment. It should have made me feel good. But.. I don't know.

I know weed would make it hard for me to sleep because it makes me hungry. If I have a rumbling stomach. Well I cannot sleep.

Yeah I hate trying to sleep when I'm hungry. But if I get high I just lie there thinking/twitching. I quit when I was 17 though and haven't done it in 2 years.

What's bothering me now is trying to record this fucking song on my guitar to show to you guys. I haven't played it in about a year so... I keep making mistakes.

Practice makes perfect.

Thus is why I just deleted mine. Well. Deleted it as much as goddamn Facebook lets you delete anything, anyway. : /

Everything has been bothering me lately. I'm just a bundle of nerves.

Going to bed at 9:15pm and waking up at 7am.

Too much wasted time, but just cant can't be bothered to do anything.
Long passed are the days i would stay up until 3-4am, need to find inspiration.

Somehow i think that inability to sleep might do me good.

You can fully delete a facebook account. Mine is totally nonexistent!

I'm in an annoying slump. I've been putting off going outside to pick up some toiletries ALL week. Has to be done tomorrow, I just need to drag the motivation out of me somehow.

I've lost my muse, my spark, my inspiration. Nothing seems to inspire me anymore, and I feel numb and broken inside. Rawr.

Homesickness.

My fucking family, they're driving me freaking insane, all the time in my house even when there's not screaming or rudeness towards each other (which is not that often, but still) there's more often than not this feeling or sense of dread or a certain heaviness in the air, if i say something or react in any manner, i get reprimended, when i can't stand it anymore and i start to get a bit crazy, i get blamed or told that "things are very tense right now, and you're not helping at all" probably i'm not helping motherfucker, but that is probably due to the fact that i have to stand constant arguing and fighting without going all "the shining" on your asses, Fucking numbnuts , also the fact that some people of my family don't even recognize that they're doing shit, and others are (legitimaly) un-blamable for their actions since they either have a very difficult life or have some sort of illness.

The fact that i've never got in a fight so serious that i would get punched in the face so hard that either my nose or mouth would bleed greatly (and that i'm such a wimp ).

and finally the fact that i can't be in a relationship with either my neighbor or my classmate, it's not that they have a boyfriend (which wouldn't surprise me, frankly) it's just that i have certain difficulties in getting to hang around with them (with my classmate it's because of her classmates, she's from a senior grade, they're not mean or anything, it's just difficult to be relaxed around her with them around, my neighbor it's because there are not many situations that call for it) i know, that may sound ridiculous, which makes me feel even worse when i realize my social anxieity, i don't know why (i think i know but i'm not sure) but whenever i'm with girls (not women that are way too older or younger, pretty much girls my age) i feel this certain pressure on the stomach and i usually get a little bit warm, and usually when they're gone (independently of wether we were just talking about homework or something like that or we really enjoyed our time together) i feel really tired or exhausted and over analyse if i did something wrong, makes me feel quite pathetic . I usually kind of tell myself "so well, whatever man, you will probably die single and alone, get over it, focus on other things, forget about this, evolve".

Everything. Well, a lot of things anyway.

I've just been a bit irritable lately and lots of little things have been annoying me, mainly school related things like having to do random stuff and seeing the people in school.
Even though I'm now on holiday, I've still not been in a good mood. I'm hoping after a few days of doing nothing I'll be feeling better.

I'm not okay. etyhtttttttttttt. It's like being on an assembly line while suffering a seizure, and you fall off the conveyor belt. All the workers don't have arms so they have to yell at you to get yourself back on the conveyor belt.

I thought I was doing everything right. I felt good, intelligent, and better. And because this year has been an academic failure nothing has been validated. I'm so fucking sick of this same shitty day. I just tore apart a robot dog.

I love lockable doors. I've never had one in my room in my life. I just had a long ass conversation with my father through a locked door about everything he could think of that I already know about life. It was neither productive nor insightful but seemed more of a way for him to release his emotional stress. I can acknowledge I'm like a child looking at the world but even if I haven't experienced life does that make my opinions invalid? There's no way to prove I'm angst ridden and my opinions can't possibly reflect reality, but there's no way to prove I'm right either. I don't even know what right is. Correctness is something we have to live by, but it's defined by a popular opinion. Anyways at least I didn't have to look at anyone's face and see him try to reach out with expressions.

There's this exposition of illustrator's art in a sort of museum art center, there are a lot of really nice illustrations and other stuff, and i was thinking that my neighbour would be interested in them, basically i was considering inviting her to come with me and see the illustrations with me, mostly just to hang around with her. The problem is that i'm not entirely sure if she would like it (though i see no reason why) and besides that i wouldn't know exactly "what to do" so to say (by the way, this is quite stupid from my part but, is it sort of a date?), also i don't know if she would accept it (though this is more like a minor worry or annoyance rather than something serious) and finally, and the biggest problem, is that i'm just so socially anxious about the thing, that is what makes for me asking her so freaking difficult . I just would like to be able to ask her out and go out to that "exhibition" and spend a nice time with her, but in certain ways, i can't (or more exactly, it is incredibly difficult for me and in certain ways i lack the backbone) aaaahhh!! i am just broken and squished between two things (i think they are; my desire to be with her and my anxieity, it is quite worse with women). I just don't know what to do ...

My psychologist prescribed me an antipsychotic drug (Abilify) and the side effects scare me. I don't even need it, he prescribed it to me to deal with meltdowns but my meltdowns aren't severe enough to warrant being medicated.

i don't know what side effects you mean, but i was on it for like 2 weeks and it was terrible.... i got this feeling --- akathesia, or something, it was called --- like i couldn't concentrate or .... i don't know. it was terrible, and one night, i stopped taking it and read pretty much all of Bonfire of the Vanities just b/c i was so relieved that i actually /could/ read again...

but then someone else i know says it helped him a lot

... it might take some time, but if this is the kind of med that's being recommended to you, then it might be worthwhile to take some time and find something that works.... might not be the the first one you try, but i don't think they throw abilify at people in the same way they would atavan

That I am dead inside.