Not getting enough sleep. I think I'm slowly going crazy.

This did not seem thread worthy... here anyway. It has been on my mind and I am looking for advice if anyone has any to give.

Sorry if this comes off as kind of a rant. However, my recent situation has been eating away at me since it happened a week ago.

Anyway a week ago, my ex forced me to break off all contact with her. She basically said "I do not know if I will have time for you any more and if my boyfriend will really approve of me spending time with you". So I told her to go swallow his c*** and only come back when she is single. I am hurt so very hurt by a lot of the things she said. However, there is one thing that confuses me, as well as hurts me. She said that her feelings for me were getting in the way of her relationship with this new guy.

I know that when it comes to love an attraction there is not much logic, for instance why am I so hurt? However, this does not make sense at all, to me anyway. Why would you go to someone else when you clearly have feelings for another person? Especially when those feelings will be reciprocate. I know that I only really thought about these feelings when she was planning on leaving me. I won't make excuses there. However, the feelings are there. Yet she decides to go to another guy? A guy who she likes, but does not have any real feelings for because I am there? This just seems stupid. Like setting yourself up for failure. I mean it would make sense if she did not have any feelings for me. However, she said that the simple act of talking on the phone made her cast doubt on her choice to be with this new guy. The simple act of coming over to my apartment, alone or otherwise, and sitting on my couch and playing video games or watching anime with me made her feel like she was cheating on this new guy. Maybe that was just paranoia.

So can someone please speculate for me? Seriously I am stupid when it comes to this kind of stuff. My lack of relationship experience makes it hard for me to figure anything out. You give up someone you obviously love and want for someone you could date? That just seems stupid from a relationship stand point. Please do not get me wrong I am not going back to her. I am not looking for a way to get back to her. She left me and when this relationship fails or becomes bland I will be there to laugh and that is it. If I ever hear from her again. I just want some closure, because even if I asked her why she would just answer with "I do not know".

my speculations are at best that she knows that some people just don't work together no matter what feelings they have for each other and at worst she wants you to be her fallback if things don't work out with the new guy. the way you describe her makes her sound dumb and drama seeking. she's trying to manipulate your emotions but i can't say to what end. does she just want you to obsess over her or does she want your attention? either way the cruelest revenge you can give someone like that is to let them now you're not interested in loving or hating them, because you aren't thinking of them.

November.

My sister says to stop making a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I'm more just wallowing in subconscious emotions from the past. Or maybe I just hate November. Like how some people don't like hot dogs. It makes them sick. November makes me sick.

remembering the good times and bad times i had with someone i no longer want to think about.......its crazy how unwanted memories come back to huant you......

My inconsistent thoughts and emotions.

being inside the house for 3 days str8.....Phuk it i'm going outside today.......

School not letting me register for next semester because I haven't been able to get my immunization reports in.

Pretty much getting fired from work.

Exams coming and I can't concentrate for shit.

Meh.

I'm pretty sure that spending time on this forum makes me feel worse. But I keep coming back anyway.

I've been feeling the same recently, funnily enough.

really!?! i always thought it helped.......this place aight that bad tho at least all the civilized people seem to be apart of this forum......most other forums got assholes on it.....

School and everyone in it...
Just leave me alone

Hmmm... the future.

The Social Security Administration is taking 10% of my moms SSI check out every month for like 19 or 20 months because the nursing home she was in from May until August lied to me & told me they told the SSA she was there after she had been there one month. She was there three months & they never told her. They told me it was one of their duties-- that they tell SSA about everyone who is on SSI or SSDI, & they told me I didn't have to tell them. But because they told me they had told the SSA, I didn't & now they're saying she owes them like $1800+. We can appeal, which is what I was going to do because, if you didn't know you were supposed to tell & since I was told by the nursing home that they had told them, I assumed I didn't have to, so they would most likely waive the repayment & not hold the money. But I realized that the appeal isn't just sending in paperwork, but is also a meeting with an SSA worker, & then maybe even a hearing in front of a judge. I can NOT handle that & am not even going to attempt to. So, starting next month or the month after, her check is only going to be $606 per month & that's all we'll have to live on. It's hard enough trying to live on $674 for two people & $606 is going to be a lot worse. I hate the fact that I'm too afraid to do so many things & am even too afraid to do something that will impact our future. If I could just do the appeal, we would most likely be approved for it & they wouldn't take any money, but since I can't do the appeal, they're going to.

(If anyone has actually read this, please don't judge me for not having a job & an income of my own-- believe me, if that were possible, I would have a long time ago, but in my condition, it's just not. I'm not mooching off my mom, which is what so many people think.)

I never thought for a second you were a moocher. Your situation is delicate and I can understand how stressful it must be to go up in front of people. I wonder if you can get a representative for that. Hopefully it won't cost anything, but I'm sure there's some kind of service for that.

Please don't give up now Lyrical. To be treated so unjustly should be something you should take. If you owe close to $2000 and they're only taking out $70 a month, this income cut could go on for a very very long time. I wonder if there's interest on this.

Thanks for not thinking I'm taking advantage of my mom, it's rare for someone not to think that
There is the Legal Aid Society which offers free lawyers & attorneys to low income people, but I don't need a lawyer or attorney, just someone to help because I can't do it on my own. & honestly, technically, we're not being treated unfairly because the SSA did over pay my mom, though I didn't know that, because the nursing home had told me they let the SSA know my mom was there. I assumed that if the SSA felt my mom was being overpaid, they would have taken money from her check at the time but they didn't, so I assumed the nursing home got them not to do it because they have some sort of clause that will allow them to not take money from people who really need it. That's something else the they told me they would do-- try to get them not to take the money because it was still needed at home to pay rent, bills, etc. So I assumed that's why the SSA never took money out of her check. I never knew it was because they had never told them my mom was there.

I only have maybe two more weeks to do the appeal & I can't imagine being able to do it so soon. So they will most likely take the money out because I don't know what to do & am too scared to do it on my own.

It's bothering me that I am socially awkward, ugly and boring and that because of this, I don't think anyone could love me. I'm not even just saying that because of bad self image - it's true; at least to some extent. I hate it so much that some days, I wish that I could be someone else. I want to change myself, but it's impossible or too hard. I hate how it seems that some people are so easy to love but not others..

Ever since I saw THAT scene from EoE, the phrase "You never even loved yourself! You're all you have and you never even learned to like yourself!" really stuck in my head...

It seems that if you want others to truly like you for who you really are, you have to learn to like yourself first. I've heard this (or similar) repeated from other places as well...

I've thought about it a lot (usually just "circular thinking" going nowhere for countless hours) and the only logical solution I can find to this is... to "channel" your own self-hatred into effort in changing yourself into someone YOU can love....
However... depending on how much motivation you need before you can actually start putting in effort to reach this goal, the amount of self-hatred required may be too high and then it would probably backfire and end up making you hate yourself even more without making you change(which is what I'm afraid of)...

Besides that, I've also wondered about the possibility that if someone else, for whatever reason, honestly cares about you and likes you for who you are already... if that would be enough to inspire you to "like yourself"... You just being yourself making another person happy... would that allow you to like yourself? This goes against the "you have to like yourself first" theory I've assumed had no exceptions... But people who like you for no reason don't exist in the real world, right?

As for me.... for now, I'm still just a "deaf-mute" with no hope of changing anytime soon ...

Some memories which clearly weren't suppressed well enough

Also the fact my exams are really soon, and I'm nowhere near being ready to do them yet

And also because of said exams we're getting a lot of work now and soon time to revise, but I'm too unmotivated to do any of it

Oh and the fact I can barely think of what to do at school next year, what universities to apply for, and what to study at uni.


It's crazy how whichever subject I decide to do, or whichever uni I decide to go to, is just ticking some boxes to choose, but the differences of where I go/what I do could be giant
Like I could choose a subject I end up really enjoying and love studying it, or end up hating it after a while and end up struggling along,
also I could go to a uni where I manage to find a few close friends and spend time with them when I want to, or I might only have some friends I only kinda like, and end up staying in my room the whole time .

Life's too stressful

You can't make a wrong choice about your future Pop. Stop thinking of things as irreversible. If it turns out you don't like what you decide to pursue, you are allowed to change your mind and change direction. The learning and qualifications you've already gathered won't go to waste. There's a lot of overlap between professions and you can adapt what you do have to be attractive to the type of people you are trying to impress. That's more important than being indecisive, as I was, and ending up with nothing to show for yourself.

Choose what appeals to you most strongly and follow through with it. You will have have the power to reconsider later. Don't worry about your ability to achieve it, because you can't know that for sure. You will surprise yourself in your determination.

Thanks, that did help me a bit

I already know I want to do a subject I can use as a "general degree" to leave my options open for the future, and I'm thinking about doing Economics at university, as I'm interested in it, and good at it in school,
but I'm still thinking about whether I would want to study it for 4 years or not.

I suppose you are right that I can still change my mind though, one thing which did help me though was my sister saying that all her friends think that their university is the best, so whichever one I end up going to, I probably will still enjoy it.

What isn't too good though is I can't stop myself thinking about avoiding people when choosing subjects/ universities, which I know I shouldn't be doing,
and I'm not thinking so negatively now, but yesterday I was thinking about how sometimes it feels like rather than choosing what to do/ where to go it more feels like I'm ruling out the options and going with what's left. But that is more true for my school subjects rather that the uni stuff

I had the same problem as you when I was confronted with deciding what to do with myself and I was so envious of the other kids that had their future's all planned out. I could only think of things that I either couldn't do, because I thought I would prove inadequate, or things that I shouldn't do because I would be consigning myself to something miserable. Nothing was good enough, so nothing was what I chose.

If you're good at Economics and you enjoy studying it, I couldn't think of anything more perfect. Who cares who will be in your class? You might find them less obnoxious put in a different environment anyway. Often people are a catalyst for each other, so without their garrulous friends you might find them subdued. In any case, focusing on yourself and not other people is what matters.

Those people you want to avoid now might treat you friendlier, in fact, out of a sense of familiarity in an unfamiliar environment considering your shared background. Or they might just ignore you entirely when new people take their attention.

There's no-one I really dislike in my Economics class funnily enough, the payoff is that there's none of my best friends, but I don't mind about that, it's more I'm debating whether or not I should take Computing next year or not, as although I'm fairly good at it, I might not find it the most interesting thing and due to people being annoying in the class (not to me, but just their presence is bad enough) I may think about something else...

My problem is the one thing I've decided on definitely is to take economics next year, but I have to choose 3 subjects which is where my problem lies,
but the reason I keep thinking about uni is that I'll be applying this October I think, and I'm still not entirely sure what's best for me to do

Computing and Economics seem to go hand-in-hand, and computing as a subject is valuable in all sectors. It both offers flexibility and strengthens your appeal in the field you're aiming at. I think it would be foolish to let an irritating influence weigh anything in your decision. I agree there's some tedious aspects of learning about computers but it won't be completely unbearable.

Still, it's for you to decide. I simply don't think it could be a bad subject to go with.