GET IN CONTACT WITH ME SO I CAN SEND YOU SOME MONEY LIKE I SAID I WOULD!

last week the husband didn't get any shifts again so he's freaking about money. i understand that i've now got to fill out applications with open availability expressing desire to work full time. i understand that i'm applying at yet again fast food places, gas stations and grocery stores. i just wish that he would understand that the odds of me being employed full time within the week are slim. the odds of me being employed full time tomorrow are next to none. so i'm feeling the pressure again. i just wish he wouldn't wait till the last minute to tell me that i need to work. last time it took over a month for me to find a job i was miserable at.
summer vacation is going horribly. the kid had to get a back brace for scoliosis. all day long it's whining and complaining about how everything that is wrong is because of this brace. the husband and kid are arguing constantly about the disrespect she constantly gives and i'm pressured to take sides on the hour. everything is turned into an argument, and there are constant punishments i have to enforce or pretend i cared in the first place. it's so stressful i'm just tuning it out whenever the kid begins another rant, then later am confronted by the husband for not doing anything about being treated like garbage, yelled at or other behaviors he finds unacceptable. don't get me wrong i'd love to have a loving relationship with my child. old habits die hard i suppose. after a lifetime of taking everyone's shit i simply grew apathetic to most of it. so instead of demanding respect i grow more cold.
back to the entire job thing. every fucking time i try to better myself life deals me another bad hand and i'm back to where i began. what if this time instead of trying desperately to get out of the restaurant and food industry i just accept that this is the only opportunity that life presents me with and stay there? maybe i could succeed there and even learn to like it. it's a stretch but right now it's all i've got.

The thing that's bothering me more than anything else right now is that I found out that my moms nursing home is seriously considering sending her home as soon as FRIDAY. They're actually having a meeting about it tomorrow. She just got back there on Saturday after being in a specialty hospital for a surgery she had over a month ago. The entire time she was in the hospital, she spent all day every day either in bed or in a chair. They took her for a walk for about ten minutes a day & called that physical therapy for some odd reason. She was sent back to the nursing home to get more rehab & gain more strength in her legs so she would be able to come home, hopefully by the end of August. But, even though today was the first day they've done physical therapy on her since she's been there, they want to send her home already. When they told my mom, my mom told them that she's not strong enough to come home yet. She can't even walk without someone helping her & she needs help getting up & down from the chair & back into bed & also getting out of bed. I will not be able to be with her 24/7 to do absolutely everything for her. Even if I could, it's not fair to send her home in this condition. Before she got that infection last month & needed to be sent for surgery, they were almost ready to release her. She would have been home within a couple weeks because she had progressed so much. She could walk on her own, lift herself up, & everything. Now, she's virtually immobile, yet they're saying she's ready to be released. I know it has to have something to do with her insurance. They probably want her out of there because she's been gone from home since May 12 & the insurance has to pay for everything. But I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they don't send her home so soon, long before she's physically ready.

I waited on her social worker at the nursing home to call me all day today, but she never did. So, tomorrow I'm going to start calling early in the morning to hopefully get her to talk to me. The main problem is that I have only one minute on my phone that I can use during the daytime. The only way I can talk to anyone is after 9pm & before 7am, or if they also have T-Mobile. My mom has T-Mobile, which is how I'm able to talk to her (the nursing home doesn't offer phone service, so people have to use their own phones). So, I need the social worker to call me on my moms phone, in order to talk to her. This is a huge hindrance in me being able to talk to her. My moms assistant nurse earlier said that it would be no problem to get her to come to my moms room & call me on her phone, but I know it will be a huge problem. I would have probably gotten to talk to her today had I been able to actually call her directly. But, this is all I can do because we have no money in the bank & I have no way to put any minutes on my phone. I'm just hoping to God that they're not stupid enough to send her home so soon. Her social worker told me the last time that she was there they they would send her home with a home health care agency, plus all kinds of other very needed services, to keep her from getting sicker & having to go back again. But it seems as if they just want to suddenly send her home now, not only with no mobility, but with no help. She really needs a lot of those services they were going to send. I have too much to deal with already & this is just making everything so much worse.

If they do this, it means all this time away from home has been virtually a waste. She's been gone since May 12 & now may be coming home in worse shape than she left. She is there for REHAB, meaning they are supposed to give her REHAB. Not send her home when she can barely move.

^ Wow. That sounds AWFUL.


I'm depressed because I had a really depressing conversation with my dad in which he blamed me for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life (including having been raped, and having had a miscarriage), and things I've done to try to improve my life (in his eyes, trying to move to Australia was idiotic and reckless, and going to grad school just means accumulated debt - even though his career depends on him having completed his PhD). He backed out of promises he had made to me in the past, and lied about a lot of stuff, and basically tried to convince me that I'd be better off dead. I've been increasingly depressed since then.

I also really miss my boyfriend, who's in Sydney. My financial situation has changed unexpectedly over the past couple of weeks, and because of this, I don't know when or if I'll be able to see him again.

I would like to be working in order to improve my financial situation, but it's really hard to find a job.

I'd like to spend some time with a friend or two in order to cheer up and get my mind off this shit. But my best friend in Maine seems to be ignoring me lately (might just be my own paranoia due to the stress of everything else). Another good friend from here is in California for the summer. Another one has gone crazy, and others are really busy with work, considering that it's the height of the tourist season. It's like starting from scratch, socially, which kind of sucks.

I miss my dog, who I gave to my ex when I tried to move to Australia over a year ago. I just wish I had a pet. It would make me a lot less depressed. But I don't think I should get an animal until I have a steady job.

I also miss my guitars and records. I need to get them shipped back to the US, but that's depressing because it just reminds me that I won't be able to move to Australia to be with my boyfriend any time soon (as in within the next couple of years) and that, realistically, I should give up on the relationship.

Sounds like your on a bad beat Ivory. I guess you figured it wouldn't be easy returning to America. It pains me to hear that things seem so bleak right now for you though. It makes me wish I was in New England so I could come over and bore you silly with my presence. I wish I had something better to give than just well wishes.

Actually, I thought that returning to America would be an improvement. I thought I'd have enough money to live off of for a while, and that there'd be plenty of people around to hang out with, and that it would be easy to find at least a temporary job. I knew I'd miss my boyfriend, but I thought that there would be plenty of fun distractions, considering that it is summer in a tourist town in Maine. Instead, I'm broke and lonely and . . . all of the above.

I wish you could come over too. That would be fun. But aside from that, I'm always up for a chat in the irc or IM or whatever. I don't need to talk about depressing stuff. I just need a distraction to lighten my mood.

can you relocate somewhere else in the states? texas or cali maybe? what did you say to your dad when he was talking down to you like that? if it were me i'd have just hung up on him. you could always just go and egg his house at 3 am relieve some of that stress if you actually have to listen to his bullshit.
feel free to pm me too, if you want to.

i wonder how it would look like if i was a happy person that has his life in balance. i cant even imagine it, and that makes me even more depressed

Everything. I'm not telling.

I've lowered the dosage of my medicine and it turned me into a sometime emotionless person into a sometimes emotionless, sometimes sensitive person. Dumb. I want to feel normal so I hope this is worth it and I'm not irritating anyone in the process.

I definitely know what you mean. I think about it sometimes and it makes me sick.

My dad's girlfriend. She is constantly over at the house now, and because I want absolutely nothing to do with her or her daughter, I lock myself in my room until they're gone or asleep. The fact that I do this just creates more problems too, with my dad always pestering me to do stuff with them even though I've told him countless times that it's not going to happen. I do try a little bit though, like last night, I pushed my pride/stubbornness aside and ate dinner with them. Wasn't too bad until she said to me, completely off topic and out of the blue, "You know, I have a BIG crush on your dad." Yeah, that's a little inappropriate, and it's a wonder why I don't want her as my mother-in-law. What bothers me the most about it though, is that it's completely out of my control, nor is it even my place to tell my dad who should or shouldn't see. So I've been slowly trying to build my tolerance of her, the fact that I was able to sit down to dinner with her and talk to her shows I'm making some progress...siiigh...I've enough problems to deal with.

I just want to know what the point is, sometimes.

I was grounded for more than half the summer. That's not the reason for my depression. I'm depressed because I know I deserve it. I get horrible grades. I'm a horrible older brother. I'm a terrible person.

Sometimes I think I'm as big a monster as my siblings make me out to be. There's nothing good about me. I don't do anything good for anybody. All I do is annoy and hurt people. I don't feel like living.

My dad opening doors all the time. I swear he does it solely to wind me up.

Lack of hot food.

I'VE BEEN WITHOUT HOT FOOD FOR AGES.

ESPECIALLY HOT FOOD MADE WITH LOVE.

being a woman has been bothering me lately.
retaining water to the point where my feet and hands are swollen, nasty acne breakouts, backaches and headaches.. wishing there was a way to induce menopause so i won't have to deal with this for twenty more years. if you were born a man be thankful.

This torments me to some degree every single day.

That the girl that I'm head over heels with is apparently annoyed with me. But can talk to the rest of my internet friends as if nothing's the matter. Which only proves my point that I did something wrong. But I'm trying to figure out what exactly I did wrong. I was able to talk to her about anything. Now she just pushes me away. She acts curt and annoyed with me, and I'm just...I don't understand.

If I have done something wrong, she could at least tell me so I know. That way I'm not sitting here wondering what the hell is my problem and what the hell is hers. I know she's been having issues over the summer, but, how am I supposed to understand if she won't even tell me? I hate dealing with this...I hate dealing with people. This just makes me hate others even more, and makes me want to become even more isolated so I don't have to deal with this bullshit. I wish people could just be honest with each other, instead of trying to beat around the bush and act like a total bitch.

Ah...I don't know what to do.

my sister verbally and physically abuses me. shes 18, stupid, a party animal, and my mother is letting her continually live with us and go to community college. she harasses and curses my mother, quite possibly does drugs, drinks, smokes, etc.
my mom has called the cops on her three times in the past two years because she was a threat to me. my dad never gets involved,
shes never talked to me without insult. we fight non stop and im genuinely scared of her. it sounds dumb but just one conversation with her can send me into a deep depression. i hate her.
im getting sick from the stress and her presence only worsens my depression.

My mother.
She always gets on my case about how I'm pathetic when I'm depressed or when I'm at the lowest, or how I can't "handle" many things, and how I stress her out when I freak out about certain things.
Yet, she's horribly depressed, even more than I am. When she has a bad day at work, she's quick to lock herself in her room, and ignore my sisters and I...and if we want or need anything, she's quick to snap, making us feel like shit. This makes me not want to become a parent, not wanting my horrible personality to affect my children. She doesn't realize that, if she's like this, it affects the entire household. No one can be happy if she's not.

And my body has been bothering me.
I gained weight over the summer, and it's no one's fault by my own. Now I feel even worse, and even more self-conscious. I don't want to leave my house.

I'm not sure I should post it in this thread because it has nothing to do with depression, but I've heard the phrase, 'good to see you're back to your old self,' several times from different people lately and it makes me wonder, did I morph into some oozing vermin at one point because I hardly feel any different. Maybe the old me they are talking about is just one that talks to them rather than not for years at a time. But even that isn't that far from the usual me, who talks to them with month long spaces in between.

I have a feeling it has something to do with my hyperactive personality when I was younger, which my mother always likes to remind me that she misses. You had such a sense of humour she says which really means, gawd you were such an annoying little shit, because thats the truth when not viewed through nostalgic spectacles.

Dwelling on the past. I'm finding it hard to look forward to anything. Sometimes I think that all the things that have gone before are so bad that life is hardly worth it now. I have made so many mistakes and fucked up so many things, that nothing will ever be good or pure again. Are life's pleasures enough to keep on living?
I feel like I want to disappear from existance, not die, just never have existed in the first place.

yea in know that feeling pretty good. just keep it up, one should at least try to make the best out of it. if it doesnt work out then i guess its not your fault that theres more rocks on the road then asphalt